People use the word “codependent” all the time, but seldom does anyone define what it really means. Not only do we have Codependent Anonymous 12-step meetings (useful), but we also have all those stupid television shows that label anyone vaguely helpful as “hopelessly codependent” (not useful). Codependent: the word has become meaningless. But, I’d like to help make it useful and concrete. If you have ever wondered if you (or someone you know) are codependent, consider these questions:

• Do you routinely put other people’s needs before your own?

• Are you extremely responsible?

• Do you find that you often end up “taking care of” people?

• In your heart of hearts, don’t you honestly feel stronger and more emotionally together than other people?

• Do you get upset when people don’t like you?

• Is pleasing other people very important to you?

There’s no answer key required. If you see yourself in any of the above, perhaps you might have some codependent tendencies. And – in all honestly – many of us in the GLBT community lean uncomfortably towards codependence. We become overly responsible for others, put their feelings first, find it hard to assert our own needs, and end up stuffing our negative emotions because we think we’ve got them “handled.”

I had a new client recently who was extremely concerned about a former boyfriend, someone who treated him badly but then laid a guilt trip on him, e.g., “I can’t let you go, I can’t move on in my life without you.” This is called emotional manipulation and it works really well with codependent people. It’s great to care about people and be empathic, but, the bottom line in many situations is that (repeat after me): “It’s not my problem.”

You don’t have any control over what other people do. Codependent people don’t like feeling helpless. They like to think that they can “help” and “fix” other people. This is part of their illusion. There are so many times in life when we want to change a situation or a person (for their own good, we believe) and we can’t. Many people will go to great lengths to avoid feeling helpless. Does this sound like you?

Codependence is also a terrific way to avoid working on your own problems. By focusing on how messed up and in need other people are, you create a fantastic diversion for yourself. “Let’s focus on their messed up life, not mine.” would be a good credo for codependent folks.

There’s a big difference between loving someone and trying to fix them. Unfortunately, loving someone usually involves feeling pain and sadness when the person is going through a rough time. And, as we all go through rough times, loving people inevitably brings us to the stage of helplessly witnessing someone we care about struggle or stumble and fall. What do we do?

First of all, we let them know we care about them. We don’t pull away. We give them a shoulder to cry on…for a while…not forever. We listen and we call them up to see how they’re doing and we try not to give advice (tempting, isn’t it?). And, this is important, we admit we are helpless. This is why the first step of all those 12-step groups is so powerful: we admit that we are helpless. We can’t fit them. We can’t make their boss hire them back. We can’t make their girlfriend change. We can’t return them to perfect health. So we get to “sit” with our helplessness. This is a good thing. Rather than run from helplessness, get to know it. No matter how together or fabulous you are, inevitably you’re going to feel helpless in the face of someone you love who’s suffering. Give this person your love, and give yourself a lot of love too. After all, it’s hard to feel helpless. Be kind to yourself and up your self-care. Don’t neglect yourself to care for others (that’s the co-dependent credo). Instead of focusing on your loved one and all of his/her problems, take a deeper look at yourself.

If feeling hyper-responsible and co-dependent is a pattern for you, I recommend you consider reading Melody Beatty’s book Codependent No More and checking out meetings for people working on becoming less codependent (a/k/a “CODA” meetings). Codependence is an acquired behavior, and it can be unlearned. Don’t stay stuck there, take action and become more caring and less caretaking. You can do it.