Here is a recent e-mail I received (with details changed for confidentiality):

Dear Michael:

I am 35 years old, 5’11” and I weigh 280 pounds. I’ve weighed this much most of my adult life. I know why, it’s no mystery. I love to eat. Food is my friend, my best friend. After dating other gay men, who only wanted to use me because I’m so fat, I gave up on dating. Food, books and the internet are my best friends. I’ve tried every diet that’s around, and none make a difference. Last year, I lost and gained the same 15 pounds over and over. Can you help me?

Fat and unhappy

If I were responding to this gentleman via e-mail, here’s what I’d say:

Dear large and unhappy:

First off, I don’t like the word “fat” so I changed it to “large”. You pose challenging questions…a billion-dollar industry exists merely to answer them. But, I’ll give it my best shot here. Let’s start with:

Why do you eat so much? Scary times can push us to eat things we don’t need, when we really want comfort, not calories. I have a client, a very successful businesswoman, who gains 10-15 pounds whenever she’s launching a new venture. She knows this about herself and later, when things calm down, she always loses it. She eats when she’s scared and she knows it. Another client of mine gained 25 pounds when his boyfriend left him. Once he came to terms with it, the pounds came off. Consider this idea of food as protection and comfort when times get tough. Does it ring true for you?

Now, let’s look at your idea of “food is my best friend”. Food is nutrition. It is not a companion. Food is a vehicle, not a goal. Food is a sensory experience, not consolation for a lousy life. Your relationship with food is distorted. You can’t get free of a food addiction/dependence without asking yourself some uncomfortable questions. For example, the next time you open the refrigerator or kitchen cabinet to get something to eat, stop and ask yourself, “What am I looking for here?” Are you bored, sad, depressed, lonely, angry? If so, food won’t help you. In fact, it can make you feel worse because it cannot fill your emotional needs. Food is not a good “best friend”. It is a substitute for a best friend, and a poor one at that.

Are you are ignoring your needs for connection with other people? We all need friends to talk with, commiserate with, laugh with. You sound like you’ve given up on people and focused on objects to meet your emotional needs. It doesn’t work. Ask yourself: Am I afraid of people? Why don’t I have any friends? Take responsibility. You’re an adult, so don’t blame mommy or daddy or even that bag of Oreos. If you can’t relate to people and don’t know why, get yourself to a good psychotherapist and get some help.

Why did you allow other gay men to “use me because I’m fat”? Since when does large = masochistic? Do you think that being used is/was all you deserve? Your worth is not dependent on what the scales tell you. Plus, you’ve got some anger at your gay brothers for not finding you desirable as you are. Own up to this. Be willing to modify your self image: you may be more of a sexy Bear than a twink type. Be open to seeing yourself differently, and others will follow, regardless of what you weigh.

Some people feel so overwhelmed by losing weight that they don’t even try. To avoid that self-sabotage, take any weight loss regime slowly. Start by setting yourself small, reasonable goals. Don’t push yourself too fast…this is a great way to just give up and sit home with junk food and self-pity. There is no one way to lose weight that works for everyone: we are all unique. Work with your doctor and consider structured programs like Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig if that appeals to you. Follow your intuition; start listening to your body. It will tell you what it really wants if you slow down enough to listen.