Some people have wonderful fathers and a great relationship. Others do not. I have a client who said that he has no relationship with his father. Another client told me, “When I came out as bisexual, my father basically disowned me.” Another client of mine, who came out as transsexual several years ago, has a dad who’s a fundamentalist minister and - despite many attempts to reconnect with him - his father hangs up the phone on him whenever he calls. Many of us feel “fatherless.” What can we do?

It might help to know that very few people have a totally great relationship with their dads. If our dads are alive, there is often tension and disagreements; if our fathers are dead, there is usually regret and unresolved emotions. Our biological fathers – being human – inevitably let us down and didn’t come through for us. A big part of accepting who our fathers are is telling ourselves the truth about who our dad is and was. Perpetuating illusions about what a fantastic dad we had, when, in truth, he was pretty lousy, only makes us crazy. We need to tell ourselves the truth about the dad we have and make peace with it. Sometimes, this means feeling “fatherless” for a while.

Allowing ourselves to experience this “fatherless” feeling is, for many of us, part of growing up. We need to be fairly mature before we can let go of the illusions of “how wonderful my dad was.” It’s not easy to admit all the things we didn’t get from our dad. It’s particularly difficult if our dad was abusive, distant, alcoholic or absent. But, the good news is that once we accept that the dad we got is who he is, for good and bad, it helps us to let go of childish hopes that “someday he’ll change and love me just like I want him to.” Holding on to this kind of illusion only brings us suffering.

Another benefit of letting ourselves feel “fatherless” is that we become more responsible for our own well-being. In essence, we begin to internalize the good father that we so longed for…and we start to become him! To me, the essence of fatherhood is about:

• Nurturing someone

• Supporting someone to try something new, scary and exciting

• Cultivating a zest for adventure and the unexpected

• Encouraging someone to trust their instincts and not follow the crowd

These are qualities that we can all offer to ourselves and those we love. It’s good to admit that we sometimes feel “fatherless” because not only do we feel better, but it also lets our dads off the pedestal. No one has a dad who can live up to perfection 100 percent of the time. If your dad doesn’t appreciate you, he may at some future time. But if you can’t get what you need from him, why not turn the tables and become the kind of father you wish he was.

There is a father impulse in each of us – male or female – that urges us into new adventures with enthusiasm, optimism and a sense of play. We never outgrow our need for fathering, and we can give this as well as receive it. We can expand our existing notions of what a father is: fathers need not be male, nor do they love and encourage only children. The love and nurturing that comes from healthy fatherhood (and motherhood) are qualities that we can develop in ourselves, whether we are young or old, male or female, single or partnered.

The father in each of us is that part of ourselves that encourages other people to be brave, to trust themselves, to go out into the world and take chances, risk things, and assume that things will turn out okay. Fatherhood’s essence is that of encouraging and promoting a sense of adventure, strength, self-worth, independence, and self-esteem.

Be willing to feel “fatherless” and release your father from the expectations of your childhood. Holding onto them will only cause you pain and suffering. Take back the power of fatherhood by embodying the ideal father qualities in yourself. Ironically, you may become a better father than your biological father ever could be. After all, when you become your own wonderful father, it’s really all you need.,