There’s a lot of talk in the air about the pros and cons of Internet sex. The Internet has a lot to offer as far as “healthy sex” is concerned, e.g., we can arrange sexual hook-ups, see erotic photos/videos/webcams and engage in sexual conversations with other people. However, in the therapeutic world of psychotherapy, Internet sex usually gets a bad rap. Frequently the word “addiction” gets thrown in there too. To me, this is like saying that TV is “addicting” or your iPod is “addictive.” When my clients tell me they’re worried they may be “addicted” to Internet sex, I usually ask them what they want from the Internet and what’s their motivation for using it?

Like any other tool, you can use the Internet to make your life more interesting and stimulating or you can use it to avoid interactions with real people. You may be afraid to meet, date and make love with real people, instead, you focus your attention on the newest hot boy/girl on your favorite website(s). If you were my client, stuck in a rut like this, I’d ask you to look at: “Why am I so afraid of people? or “Why is it so hard for me to meet people?” While those seemingly perfect boys/girls on the Internet can help you get off fast and easy, it’s the boys/girls in real life that – ultimately – will bring you the greatest happiness and the best sex.

But, it’s hard work. Easier to click, jerk off and go about your day, isn’t it?

Do you feel any shame or guilt about your Internet sex life? If you hide it from friends, roommates, or your partner, you’ve got a problem. What are you ashamed of? Maybe you don’t feel good about what you’re doing. Often, when you cruise for sex because you’re lonely, the sex is usually lousy and you feel empty when it’s over. The Internet is great as a supplement to – not substitute for – sex and connections with real people.

A client asked me recently, “How do I know if I’ve gone too far – spending too much time – looking for sex on the Internet?” I asked him, “Do you use it just to get off or to actually connect with people? I encouraged him to know what it is he wants from the Internet, to be clear about his motivation. If you just want to get off, then tell yourself the truth about it. If you want to connect with more people, consider if the Internet is the best way to meet the kinds of people you’re looking for. While lots of people hook up on sites like Adam4Adam or CraigsList, other people are looking for friendships and LTRs (long term relationships) on sites like Match.com and YahooPersonals. Why not use the Internet for both? Who said you can’t meet nice people through dating sites? And who said there’s anything wrong with hooking up on-line? Is it really any different than going to a bar or club, hoping to get laid?

Here’s some tips for making your Internet hook-ups as fulfilling as possible. When you hook up with someone, take a risk: Really connect with them. See who this person is. This isn’t a video, it’s a real man/woman, with emotions and feelings just like you. Let your experience with them be a full body/mind adventure: experience them with your mind, heart and body. The best sex involves all three aspects of yourself. Your mind has the creative fantasies, your heart has the emotional connection, and your body has the sexual energy. When you get all three working together: the possibilities for passionate sex and emotional connection are amazing!

Let’s say you’ve met Mr. Handsome on Adam4Adam and he’s now sitting on your couch. When you’re making out with him, keep your eyes open and connect with him. This is a tantric sex tip…here’s another one: see if you can breathe together. It will deepen your sexual connection. Contrary to porn videos, you don’t need to swing from a trapeze or have sex under a waterfall to have an intense sexual adventure. Great sex requires an emotional connection with your partner(s). If you’re not really there with them, you might as well jerk off alone.

If you never use the Internet to eventually meet real people, ask yourself: why do I prefer to masturbate to images of two dimensional hotties instead of have sexual adventures with people I see every day? While it’s true that two-dimensional Internet “lovers” are always there when you want them (as long as you pay), there’s so much they can’t offer. You can’t cuddle with them at night, wake up in their arms, laugh with them over breakfast, or kiss them goodbye before you leave for work.

I recommend that you consider Internet sex as the “dessert” to the feast of your life…and why not have a rich, calorie-laden dessert now and then? However, if Internet sex is always the “main course” of your sex life, you may be using it to avoid meeting real people who could actually hold you, kiss you, caress you, give you a massage and ask you out on an actual date. Who said you can’t use the Internet to have fast and tension-relieving online jerk-off sex and use it to meet real people that you can kiss, hug, sleep with and maybe even grow to love. Remember: it’s just a tool. How you use it is up to you.