Recently, at a social gathering, a fabulous woman came up to me and said, “So, you, Mr. Psychologist…why don’t you ever write anything about us bisexuals? Your columns always neglect us.” So, here, to address her request, is a column about being “beautifully bisexual.”

A while back, I had a client who described herself as “a happily married woman with a young child, a great job, loving husband and terrific friends.” “There’s only one problem,” she said, “I think I’m bisexual, and I don’t know what to do about it.” She told me that she was comfortable having sexual feelings for other women, but asked, “As a married woman, what do I do with my sexual feelings for other women?” She had assumed that having a good sex life with her husband would erase her feelings for women. But, after several years of marriage, she found herself fantasizing about sex with other women and feeling attracted to other women at work, church, etc.

After hearing her story, I congratulated her (not what she expected) and told her: “You may be on the edge of a great discovery. You are learning about a new part of yourself. Your awareness of who you are and who you are attracted to is expanding.” I recommended that she avoid jumping to any quick conclusions or putting herself into any kind of box, be it “bisexual,” “straight but confused,” “lesbian in denial,” etc. Sexuality is – for many people – a fluid process. People’s sexual preferences and orientations may expand and shift over a lifetime.

An example of this sexual “fluidity” appeared several years ago, when writer/publisher Louise Hay spoke about what she observed as a shift in sexuality for many retirement-aged women. Ms. Hay saw a trend: “elder women” (her term) who chose other women as partners after long-term heterosexual marriages. She said that some elder women found other women more accepting of elder women’s changing bodies and more interested in intimacy that wasn’t so orgasm-focused.

In my psychotherapy practice, many of my bisexual clients felt that they had to make drastic changes when they “came out” as bisexual. Instead of stressing herself out so much, I encouraged my client to ask herself: Why put so much pressure on myself? Rather than feel I have to fundamentally change who I am, why not see this as an expansion of my identity: Perhaps I’m a woman who is attracted not only to men, but also to women.

And if you’re married, like my client, how does that fit into the picture? Some of my married bisexual clients wait until they are clear on who they are and what they want before sharing their new awareness with their husband/wife. If you’re just coming out to yourself as bisexual, this may not be the best time to talk with your husband/wife about it. If you can wait a while until you’re calm and clear, you may be in a better place to help him/her deal with any fear, upset, insecurities, etc. Some clients have asked me if they should tell their children that they are bisexual. If your child is young, this may be a moot point. Young children just want to know that their life is secure and that mommy and daddy love them and will continue to love, comfort and provide for them. They are rarely interested in what mommy and daddy do in bed, or with whom.

Bisexuality is a button-pushing topic in many parts of the GLBT community. I encourage my clients to get support from other bisexual women and men. Look for any local bisexual support/discussion groups that meet on a regular basis and/or connect with other bisexual folks on Internet bisexual discussion groups, bulletin boards and websites. Above all: Don’t isolate! Make connections with others in similar situations.

If you are coming out as bisexual, I invite you to look at your emerging bisexuality as something new and wonderful to explore and be curious about, rather than as a “problem” to solved. Why not enjoy the exploration, rather than panic and think that you have to radically change your life right away? Get support from the bisexual community and discover who you really are…then, when you feel it’s time, you can consider if, when and how to share this with other people in your life.