“Wow. That was HOT! You felt incredible.” I was accustomed to hearing such comments up until my late 20s after having mind-blowing sex with lovers. But, in 2002, at the age of 27, a sexual partner lied about his HIV status; I became infected and have since noticed a tumultuous transformation in my relationship with sex.

There are several underlying issues that may cause decreased libido, including side effects from both recreational and prescription drugs and depression. I could take medicines to help with erectile dysfunction, but it says right on the package that they won’t fix a mental block. You have to want it for the meds to help you work it!

What mental blocks get in the way of HIV- positive persons experiencing truly pleasurable sex? What can cause “no thunder down under,” even when there is attraction? For one thing, fear of infecting another. Talk about a mojo killer!

Since I choose to prevent myself from infecting another and aim to help my immune system fight the virus, I take my once-a-day pill faithfully to maintain an undetectable viral load. I am aware that a number of studies over the past decade have suggested that HIV transmission is cut dramatically in mixed-HIV-status couples? – called magnetic opposites – if the partner with HIV is taking Antiretroviral (ARV) medicine. Yet I still feel burdened, not only with caring for my own physical and emotional well-being, but also for protecting my partner.

Member replies from San Diego Young Positive (SDYP), a supportive social network of HIV-positive men primarily in their 20s and 30s, express similar concerns, “Yes I have felt a decrease in ‘libido’…my best guess…not wanting to spread the virus and trying to take time out for myself before I can ‘love’ another person again.” “I just sero-converted in late March, and I’ve rediscovered non-penetrative shower sex as my ‘hotness continuance method!’ My libido is decreased, I think, due to disliking having HIV as a shared or unshared topic between any new partner.”

A head full of worries does not help my big friend below stir to life and stay alert! It is incredibly frustrating not being able to please my handsome sero-opposite partner. My fantasies of making passionate love, where he feels me inside him long after our orgasm, remain in my head.

What have we tried to make it work? My man friend (we are not boys!) and I talk about the issues. Hans’ support and patience reassures me that he is with me every step of the way, and that we are managing this together. I engage him with more than my sex and show my affection for him through risk-free or low-risk actions such as cuddling, kissing, sleeping together, holding hands and oral sex. A text or quick phone call during the day breaks up the monotony of work and reminds us that the flame is close.

All these things help our rational selves feel closer; however, what about our animalistic needs, that part in both of us that wishes I were not positive, so I could “take him” whenever and wherever we want? What role can I play to better satisfy our primal sexual needs? Now you can begin to understand my intense frustration! As I become increasingly comfortable, and Hans works with me to dispel my fears, we get closer to having hotter sex. Wish us luck on our journey together.

To provide a fuller picture, I asked Hans to explain his view on this issue. Below are his comments:

Positive or negative, most of us have taken chances before. Positive or negative, we don’t get to pick who we fall for when it comes to romance. It often just happens.

I, too, have put myself at risk before. And it is by sheer luck that I remain negative. I dated a man once who promised up and down that I was the only guy for him, and that it was okay to bareback. We’ve all heard that story before, and often it’s total bullshit. Yes, we all prove ourselves human every day.

I can’t say I know what it is like to be HIV positive. But I know that it pervasively infects our thinking as much as it does our immune system. Sure, I worry about getting infected too. Through facing those fears and building trust, I know my man and I can overcome those fears together.

Okay, so a barrier of 0.06 mm (the average condom thickness) is a barrier. But how about the barrier of your loved one going off to war, knowing you might never see each other again? It makes that barrier of a condom not seem so big when you think of time and distance that often separates loved ones.

Yes, it’s a real barrier, one it would be nice to live without. But every relationship has its own set of challenges. After all, we are really looking for those few moments of true connection to someone in life, those points where we give our hearts freely, hold another and are held. And that’s a feeling worth anything.