With Fathers day coming up this Saturday and with more and more GLBT people having or adopting children, there is a certain couple that stands out in our community. This couple has opened their hearts and minds to give children in the foster system a place to call home.

Kyle Tipps and Mark MacNeal are in their early forties and run their own Property Management Company in central San Diego. They are both native San Diegans and have been together for over thirteen years. They have been fathers for the last four years.

For most of us we could not fathom the idea of caring for more than two kids, however these two gay men have five. They have legally adopted all but one of them, who is too old to legally adopt. But to them, he is their child nonetheless.

They have been through it all, and understand the ins and outs of the adoption and foster process for GLBT people. Both are involved with many GLBT parenting groups; from Family Matters to Gay Campers, who provide everything from information to functions for GLBT parents and prospective parents. When asked what parenthood is like, they were more than delighted to share their story.

“If it helps gay men who want to adopt or foster children and helps them realize that it is possible, or inspires others to adopt, that would be awesome. There are so many gays who want children and so many kids who need somewhere to call home and be loved.” stated Tipps.

Their story is heartwarming and encouraging and their commitment and enthusiasm as parents is inspirational.

GLT: When did you guys decide you wanted to have children?

KT/MM: When we met 15 years ago this July, one of the things we had in common was the strong desire each of us had to be a parent. We decided then that we would work on our relationship and our businesses to ensure that we could provide a steady foundation and ensure that our children hasd loving, stable, and present parents.

GLT: So what are their names and ages?

KT/MM: Our first son is David. He is now 11, though we adopted him when he was just 7. Then comes Matthew. He is 18 this week. Then there is Jaixon 8, Faith 6, and Kyle aged 2. The last three are siblings.

GLT: What was the turning point when you both decided to pursue adoption?

KT/MM: Well this is where it gets interesting. Any of our friends with a womb will tell you that we were pretty determined to have a child. If you had eggs or a womb we were calling to make reservations! We considered all options. Friends, family … you name it. After practically alienating every friend with fertile eggs we decided that one of the 4,000 children in San Diego County that are in foster care (even today) or don’t have parents would be better than creating more kids.

GLT: Was the adoption process difficult and did you find that being gay men made it harder?

KT/MM: No, the adoption process was not difficult. At the time it seemed as though we would never be matched with our children. We felt as if we had done all the steps and we wanted to be parents so bad. It took about six months to be matched after we had completed the paperwork, parenting classes, and completing our home study. Being gay has not been a barrier, nor have we faced any discrimination throughout this process.

GLT: What were some of the steps that you had to take?

KT/MM: First we had to become licensed Foster Parents; This is because the child will live with you for 6 months before you can finalize the adoption. This process does take a little while. There is a pride class for10 weeks and a home inspection. That is the worst part, all the little things we had to change or do to make our home safe for kids. The hardest step was waiting for a match! You really have to have faith in your worker. Ours kept telling us to hang on and that they had the perfect kid’s right here in the County. She was right!

GLT: You had mentioned that you had fostered a little boy for a year and then the State took him back. Can you tell me about that?

KT/MM: Wow that is a tough question! James was 3 when we fostered him. We took him because we were told that he would be free for adoption in less than six months. We fell in love with this special baby right away. The County told us he was developmentally disabled and deaf and was unable to speak or to bond. We found that both were incorrect. He did have autism and was neglected for the first three years of his life. We worked with him daily. We loved him and played with him, talked to him and eventually he started to speak. James spoke about 300 words and called us both Daddy when his court date came up. We expected the court to make him available so we could adopt him at that hearing. We were so proud of him and his progress. Mark was out of town that day but we were confident that we would get to be James’ parents.

In a strange twist the court was very impressed with James’ progress. So much so, that they decided to give him another chance in the custody of his parents. They called me and demanded I drop James off by 5 p.m. Mark didn’t get to say goodbye. To this day we both still cry about James.

GLT: Do you feel like the children, to a certain extent, chose you two more than you had chosen them?

KT/MM: No, except for Matt. He did live with us for a year and was reunited with his birth family. Sadly he was re-abused and was sent back to the Polinsky Children’s Center. At that time we had no more room in our home because we had taken the three siblings for adoption. Matt called us and we tried to visit him as much as possible. Matt really wanted to “come home” and graduate from high school. Finally we decided to add a bedroom to our home to accommodate one more child. In this case he did choose us but we chose him as well.

GLT: What has been the most trying thing for you two as gay parents?

KT/MM: I think that we are constantly explaining our family to complete strangers. You know, the schools, the bank, doctors etc. Then there is the general public. They always stop us and ask questions. Besides that, I sometimes feel bad when Mothers Day rolls around and the kids get to take their ugly mom, with a mustache, to school for breakfast!

GLT: What has been the most rewarding?

KT/MM: How could I ever answer that! At night when I make the rounds I look at their sleeping faces and I give thanks for my beautiful family. I also must say teaching a child to speak and walk is an amazing experience and it is definitely our reward. I guess the most rewarding thing is the hug, kiss or smile that we get without asking.

GLT: Does any one memory stand out in your minds more than another, with your kids, that make you laugh?

KT/MM: That would definitely have to be the day when our then 7 year old announced (while wearing a fairy costume) at the kitchen table “Daddy I don’t like gay people. They are bad and gross.” After we stopped laughing and I cleaned my dinner up off the floor, the teaching began!

He obviously didn’t know what a gay person was but knew he had two dads. Let’s just say now he knows all the words to Avenue Q’s song “If you were gay, it would be okay!”

GLT: What do you guys have planned for Father’s Day?

KT/MM: This Father’s Day we plan to spend in Julian, where we keep our RV, and camp all the time. Our kids love it there as much as we do. Hopefully one will make coffee and, as much as we love breakfast in bed, I’d rather they didn’t go to that extent to please us this year! We have eaten lots of cold eggs, pancakes that were dropped on the floor and other things prepared with some very dirty, yet well meaning and loving little hands.

GLT: What is the best Father’s Day gift that either of you received?

KT/MM: Last year we got 3 precious little gifts, Jaixon, Faith and Kyle.

GLT: As a family what is your favorite activity?

KT/MM: We joke that our favorite activity is shopping! I’m sure any parents of a large family will say the same thing. We love to travel together and we camp at least twice a month. Lately the children have taken an interest in fishing.

GLT: When you two are out with your children do you ever have people doing double takes or giving you odd looks?

KT/MM: We do notice looks from time to time. We were surprised at how many people (mostly straight) will just come right up and start a conversation. For the most part people are supportive and often will thank us for adopting children. Last week in Arkansas a woman did look at us and just shook her head.

GLT: How do you handle it when things like that happen?

KT/MM: That is our opportunity to show them that our children are very much loved, disciplined, cultured, and tolerant. We will always answer their questions and hope that by addressing their ignorance we may change their views just a little. If they get nasty I just tell them “I’ll pray for you.”

GLT: What about the kids. Do they encounter any difficulties for having two dads?

KT/MM: Again we were very surprised. We have not had any reports of difficulties for having two dads, that we know of. Some kids think that it’s really cool. For the most part children are far less judgmental and closed minded than their parents.

GLT: How do you both manage that?

KT/MM: We teach our kids that they are loved and that they have the support and love of two Dads. They may come across difficulties later in life, however if so it is only because of someone else’s ignorance, so they should educate them by getting to know them. It’s hard to hate someone when you get to know them.

GLT: How do you find time to balance it all; work, kids, relationship, and play?

KT/MM: Well when we have the answer to this one we will let you know! Actually we both work from our home office which allows us to be available for the kids and their never ending needs. The hardest would be time for the relationship. We do spend some time alone, while it is a rare treat we really use that time to relax and love each other. We remember why we got together and take the time to demonstrate our love for each other, daily. It’s easy to get lost in the busy schedules and many needs of 5 kids. I love Mark more now than ever and that love just keeps growing as our life and family changes.

GLT: What are some resources that GLBT people wanting to be parents can use that have been helpful to you both?

KT/MM: Talk to other parents. Give us a call or e mail Kyle at kyletre@cox.net If you have your questions answered by others that have gone through the process you may save yourself heartache. Also get in touch with, and involved with, Family Matters at the Center. This group is an amazing source of information for all parents. Also the County of San Diego is a great resource. Call them at 1-866-Iadoptu.

GLT: What advice would you guys give to the GLBT people that are wanting to become parents?

KT/MM: If you truly want to adopt go directly to County of San Diego Adoptions to get started. Avoid the many small agencies called FFA’s. While they do great work with foster care, they are not the best place to start your adoption, as they are very much interested in placing children in foster homes, not in building forever families. In our case we could have saved 2 years.

GLT: Do you think there is a lack of exposure in our gay media about being gay parents?

KT/MM: Absolutely!! While gay media often focuses on the parties, the clubs and the many other stereotypical gay lifestyles, you rarely see information on gay and lesbian families, family activities, social events, or even advice columns. Look around and you will see that the gay family is becoming very common, yet is often overlooked in the media. Without Family Matters there would be no source of information or social interaction for families like ours. If your readers have questions we would be happy to answer them.

GLT: What does it mean to you both to be fathers?

KT/MM: To me being a father is building a family. Giving to a child in need. Giving them a family that loves them, and enabling us to share our lives with them. It’s a commitment for life and an ever changing and evolving life that we have both dreamed of. While many GLBT people live great lives and leave much when they leave this earth, we will have a legacy that lives on and hopefully keeps giving.

Being a Father is the greatest and hardest thing a man can ever do.

GLT: Kyle and Mark, thank you so much for telling us your story. You are both remarkable people and very loved within the community. Enjoy Father’s Day.

It was very important to Mark and Kyle to both personally thank Big Mike, Nicole Murray-Ramirez, Jane Schmoll of Family Matters, The Imperial Court and The Center for hosting and organizing a Christmas function for those who are GLBT parents. It made all the difference in the world to them and their family in these hard times.