I like to read foreign newspapers for their different points of view. Recently, in the London Sunday Times, reporter Joseph Dunn wrote,

“There comes a point in every adult’s life when he or she must check out of Guyland…This is the place in a man’s life when he lives singly and without responsibility. It’s also known as bachelorhood and the age at which he should make his way to the departure gate is 35. This is when a man should start thinking about finding a good woman and settling down. The reward for doing so is a life of simple bliss, where he lives longer and happier, snuggled up in the warm embrace of a loving relationship.”

Hmmmm…despite the value of “growing up” and – at some point - becoming an adult (a good thing), I find this kind of rigid life planning to be pretty outmoded. And does it really apply to us GLBTer’s?

In recent years there has been a huge focus on the GLBT community to couple up, settle down, get married (when we can) and raise a family. As of this writing, “gay marriage” is a possibility for some of us and a reality for a few, and – in recent years - many of us have been encouraged to envision marriage as the ultimate GLBT achievement. In this way, we are encouraged to think like straight folks: single is okay until “a certain age”, then you need to “grow up” and “settle down” like the heterosexuals do. God forbid you are over 40, 50 or 60 and not “married”:

Like many of you, I worked for the possibility of same-sex marriage so that we would all have the OPTION to marry. While it will (someday) be wonderful to be able to choose to get married, let’s make sure we see it as a choice, not something we feel forced upon us. After all, is marriage and coupledom the best outcome for all GLBT men and women? Can’t we be single and just as happy, if not happier?

Traditional logic claims that if we continue walking single file, we will – eventually - be suicidally unhappy and statistically more likely to be heading for an early grave. I have even seen data that shows that single men drink more, do more drugs and slowly fall apart more than married men. While I have read these studies, I must tell you: I don’t buy it.

From the dozens of workshops I’ve facilitated for GLBT women and men (from teenagers to elders) and the hundreds of emails I get from GLBT women and men all over the country (and a few from abroad), my illusions that GLBT folks who stay single are doomed to being “sad, old and alone” have been shattered. Many of these people are partnered, but many are happily single…having created lives for themselves full of friends, love, activities they enjoy and – yes – sex! They may love their homes and gardens or they may be like one 78-year-old bisexual woman: traveling the world and having lots of adventures (including a juicy, fulfilling erotic life).

Marriage can be a wonderful thing, but let’s not get sucked into the illusion of marriage as “security”. Coupledom is no solution to our fears of loneliness, alienation, lack of direction and motivation. We may falsely believe that if we are married, our life will be easier. Well, in some ways it may, but in many ways it’s likely to be more complicated, confusing and emotionally volatile. You may have someone to spend holidays with, but what of the drama that goes on behind the scenes as you decide where to go, whose friends you will have to miss this year and how can you stand your partner’s awful brother for the next 3 days?

It’s a trade-off: many of my single clients crave to “wake up with someone wonderful”, while my married clients often wish for “a good night’s sleep without her/his snoring and tossing and turning”. Single people are afraid of being lonely and alone. Married people fear feeling alone and unappreciated in their marriage. Ultimately, we’ve all got the same “demons”, single or not. Having the illusion that marriage (or singledom) will solve them is a set-up for suffering. For every happily single client who tells me, “I genuinely pity most of my married friends…they’re trapped, bored and frustrated”, I have a married client who says, “I feel so sorry for my single friends…they’re so lonely, scared and insecure.”

And what about all that stuff about single folks dying early? Maybe they do, but if you dig into the research, I bet that it has more to do with smoking, drinking and diet than marital status. What’s more, if you can keep these things under control, maybe you too can be single and love yourself (in a non-Narcissistic way, of course).