DATING: this word strikes terror into the hearts of many. Why? What is it about dating that we dread so? Let’s take a look and see if we can’t make the process more fun and less fearful. Whether you call it dating, hooking up, or some other phrase, let’s reinvent dating.

By the time we’re in our late 20’s or early 30’s, most of us have been dumped, lied to or betrayed. As a result of all this hurt, we build up emotional scar tissue. How then, can we stay emotionally healthy and keep meeting new people, even though we’ve been hurt and fear being hurt again?

Some of us give up on dating, drinking more, working too much, shopping excessively or becoming gym-obsessed in an effort to numb ourselves out of our loneliness. How can we stay emotionally healthy about dating when there are so many people who could break our heart?

Let’s consider the following questions to begin our reinvention of dating:

What do you enjoy about it?

What do you dislike about it?

It helps to look at where we got our ideas about dating and to see if they still work for us or not:

What are some of the RULES of dating that you were raised with?

Are those rules still helpful to you or not?

What are your RULES for dating now?

Do you ever break your own rules? If so, when and why?

The more we date, the more important it is to keep our sense of humor about the whole process:

Describe your sense of humor:

How has it helped you in dating?

Many of us don’t like dating because we feel “out of control”. We focus an illusion of control in dating and often try to deny (especially by having a few drinks) that we fear being “out of control”:

What about dating can you “control”?

What can’t you “control”?

What happens when you let go of control?

We can often learn a lot from our dating history, IF we are willing to look at it objectively, and without judging ourselves or people we used to date. I invite you to use the term “explore” to consider your dating history. Rather than analyze it to death and make someone wrong, consider these questions:

What were your best dating experiences? What made them so positive?

What were your worst dating experiences? What made them so painful?

Consider your dating history from another angle: the things that have historically stood in the way of enjoying the dating process.

What are your personal roadblocks to dating?

Which ones continue to hold you back the most?

The ideal partner exercise:

Many of us have made lists of the qualities of our “ideal partner”. And where has that got us? Often, nowhere. One client of mine said, “It’s like making a laundry list for God.” While it’s tempting to think that merely making such a list will bring this person to us, it rarely works that way. Instead, I offer you my “ideal partner” exercise. Use it to see who you want and who you deserve (not always the same things).

Take a piece of paper and describe your ideal partner. Be as detailed as you like.

Now take this list and put a check mark by each quality that YOU possess.

Once you put all your check marks on the list, notice the qualities that you don’t possess.

It’s not realistic to expect to attract someone who has all the qualities that you lack. Usually, like attracts like; we tend to end up with people who are more similar to us than we may want to admit. Therefore, the best way to attract the “ideal partner” is to BECOME that ideal partner yourself! And, it is do-able.

Once you identify the qualities that you need to develop in YOURSELF in order to be a good partner to this ideal person, it gives you a blueprint for your future growth. It’s not realistic to have every single one of these qualities, but neither is it realistic to expect that your ideal partner is going to complete you.

I think this is why so many relationships end in breakups and divorces: we go into a relationship, naively hoping that our partner will COMPLETE us and make up for all our weaknesses and flaws. Eventually, we realize that not only do they not complete us, but they have their flaws too. As a result, both people end up disillusioned and disappointed in their partners (and in themselves, if they’re honest about it).