It was only recently that I even realized that I had actually missed out on anything that my straight friends and families would and could experience. When I kicked the door off of my closet in my early 20’s I was full of adventure, excitement and at long last, freedom from guilt. Finally I was to be free to experience life to the fullest, without restriction. My Mother was always very supportive of me despite her religious convictions. Don’t get me wrong, she wasn’t about to give me makeup tips or teach me to walk in ruby slippers while wearing a sequin gown, but she is my Mom and she never, even for a minute, let me feel unloved. I remember a conversation we had back then, where my Mother expressed her sadness that I would not have the opportunity to have children or to experience that special bond and truly unconditional love that she had for me. While I had always wanted a huge family as a young man (I’ll tell you more about that in another edition) I, as a newly out gay man, really agreed with Mom and felt sad that I would not experience love at the level a parent and child could.

Fast forward a couple years, well ok, a lot of years to recent times and there was Mark and I in front of a judge adopting our first child. I can never explain the feeling that comes with that moment, but it is filled with Joy, excitement and of course trepidation and fear to name just a few. After adopting our new family we started to grow our love for each other. It was, and is, wonderful. I love my son and feel as if he were always a part of our lives. Let’s say I thought this is what it’s like to have a child and to experience the love between child and parent. I was complete! Well that’s what I thought! Now four children later I am lying on my bed enjoying our nightly routine. No, not the routine many of you are thinking, and certainly not my gymnastics routine! No, it’s the routine where I sit in my bed holding my two year old, rocking, cuddling and just enjoying those last minutes of the day when he is quiet and just laying in my arms looking at me, while I sing a sweet lullaby and wish him sweet dreams. Believe it or not this has become my favorite time of the day. So there I am rocking, cuddling, singing and thinking about how much I love this child and realizing that while I thought I had experienced all the joy of loving a child, I was mistaken. This one is different. Probably because he was too young to have bonded with anyone else and he had never been exposed to the violence and crime that the older ones were subjected to. In any case I know this is different. This child thinks I am his whole world! He depends on us and trusts us. He runs to me to say hello after I go out front to get the mail. This child definitely bonded in a very special way that I never knew existed. Yes Mom was right, I had been missing something. Then, while rocking and singing to him, he looked at me with that cherubic smile and puckered his lips to give me that last goodnight kiss. As he neared my lips he paused then screamed, “DADDY…SHUT UP!!!!” Continuing with, “DADDY PLEASE STOP SINGING”. He followed that with a punch to the jaw and then laid his head down on my chest and went to sleep. It was at that moment I realized just how blessed I am.