Glenda Corwin, Ph.D., is an openly lesbian clinical psychologist with over twenty years in a gay-affirmative private practice. Her book, Sexual Intimacy for Women: A Guide for Same-Sex Couples, is based on her research, therapy and sexual intimacy workshops for lesbian couples. She lives in Atlanta, and is pleased to share her life with a lovely woman.

GLT: What inspired you to write about and research this topic?

GC: Being a psychologist was a natural fit for me. I was the daughter of American missionaries in Colombia, and felt like a foreigner in both countries. It was very important to me to bridge the differences. When I took my first Humanistic Psychology course, it clicked: We’re different, but we’re the same. We all need safety, love, self-esteem and we need to be able to communicate effectively in order to meet those needs. I feel lucky to work with these universal human issues in my private practice as a therapist. I came out at age 29, after a heterosexual marriage. It was scary to let go of all that social approval, but thrilling to finally feel passion. That’s why, when I first started hearing friends and later, clients taking about “lesbian bed death” I thought this isn’t right! I didn’t go through all that upheaval just to feel “emotional intimacy.” It was about sexuality. So I got very curious about what sustains an active sex life, and what defeats it. That’s how I got into the specific focus on sexual intimacy for women who love women.

GLT: Do you believe that there is a lot of misinformation regarding women and lesbians?

GC: Yes! Many women have wondered why they don’t fit male models of sexual desire, arousal, and orgasm. That’s because we’re not just like men! Female sexuality is often driven by intentional choices and emotional needs, not just physiological urges, and this point is validated by current research. However, lesbian sexuality isn’t a current research priority. We simply don’t have enough accurate information about lesbian sexual patterns, so we’re especially vulnerable to negative stereotypes and self-judgment.

GLT: Why do you believe this is?

GC: Two reasons. First, until recently so much health-related information was based on studies with men; think about what we’ve learned recently about women and heart disease. It turns out that we often have different symptoms than men, although we may have the same risk level. The same bias has been there in our information about sexual health. Secondly, negative judgments make us hesitate to talk honestly about sexual concerns. Who wants to admit “I don’t ever feel any sexual desire” or “I rarely or never have orgasms with a partner”? We assume that those are “abnormal,” even though current research shows that both are extremely common. But secret feelings of inadequacy usually lead to feelings of shame, which usually lead to an impulse to hide, and that’s how the vicious cycle continues. We hide, so we don’t expose ourselves to accurate information, so we stay stuck in negative judgments.

GLT: What are the most common hang-ups lesbians have when it comes to sex?

GC: Lots of lesbians have trouble being intentional about sex, and cling to the myth of spontaneity. In other words, “If the chemistry is right, it will happen without planning.” This isn’t true, and never was. Early dating usually involves a tremendous amount of planning for sex. One woman called it “Choosing your date panties.” We think about what to wear, where to go, how to be alone, when to make a sexual move. We fantasize about holding her, kissing her, touching her. We do all these things to build up to a great sexual experience, and then we say “It was so spontaneous!” Not really. In 2007 I did an online survey of lesbian sexual patterns. Of the 400 respondents, 90 percent said they thought regular sexual contact was important in a committed relationship, but only 20 percent said they regularly set aside time for sex. No surprise, those 20 percent were the most sexually active and satisfied couples. This struck me. What a discrepancy between what we value and what we prioritize. Again, I think the culprit is this belief that sex should happen spontaneously. Intentionality trumps spontaneity, just ask sexually active couples! By far the biggest sexual problem lesbian couples talk about is the discrepancy in desire levels, one wants sex more often than the other. This in itself is totally normal. Two people rarely want exactly the same amount of anything, whether it’s going to the movies or going hiking. The problem lies in the negative judgments about this difference. Partners can accuse each other, or themselves, of being too sexual, too asexual, too uptight, too driven, too selfish, too cold, too hot, etc. But really, they’re just different and need to find ways to be intentional and non-judgmental about their sexual relationship.

GLT: Do you believe that gay men and heterosexual couples share some of these issues as well?

GC: I think many issues are similar for long-term couples, straight or gay. Novelty is a turn-on for everybody, and by definition novelty can’t last in a long-term relationship. But there’s an extra twist for women. Many women learn more about saying “No” than saying “Yes” to sex, for good reasons. Safety does come first. However, initiating sex involves some risk-taking, and someone has to do it. When the thrill of novelty wears off, who’s going to take that risk? Men are socialized to do this, women are not. Secondly, straight women may be more comfortable accepting the idea that sex is a reasonable expectation in a committed relationship. For example, we’ve heard that sex is important “within the boundaries of marriage.” Lesbians don’t have that. Our mothers didn’t tell us “Save yourself for the right woman.” There’s an open approval for heterosexual marital sexuality, and that just isn’t there for women who partner with women.

GLT: With the GLBT community still having a stigma about aging how does this effect aging lesbians?

GC: I think lesbians are probably more gentle with each other about aging, as we’re a little less judgmental about standards of youth and beauty. However, there is one stereotype about aging that we need to address: the belief that aging and hormones dictate sexuality. I’ve heard many women say they think they don’t feel sexual because they are menopausal, or premenopausal, but some of these women have been in their early thirties! Research shows that younger women are more likely to report sexual problems than older women; e.g., women in their twenties are the most likely to report lack of sexual interest and/or difficulty with orgasm. It’s true that age and decreased hormones can affect the intensity of sexual sensations, but age can also make sexual intimacy more precious.

GLT: How do you think lesbians are affected by ideals about how women should be and look?

GC: Again, I think lesbians are gentler with each other about standards of youth and beauty. That said, women in my sexual intimacy workshops say that the biggest reason for not feeling sexual is negative body image, specifically, “feeling fat.” This is always about women judging themselves, not each other. In other words, a woman who feels bad about her weight may avoid sexual contact, in spite of the fact that her partner wants to be sexual with her. Her negative self-judgment keeps both of them in a sexual stalemate.

GLT: Do you believe lesbians have less or more sexual hang ups than heterosexual women?

GC: That’s an interesting question. I’m not sure…in general I think we carry our learned repressions with us, even across sexual orientation lines. I suspect that there’s more stigma about “casual sex” between women, as this doesn’t fit with romantic ideals. I don’t know enough about some specific practices, such as SM, to know if there’s more or less stigma among lesbians. That would be an interesting research project!

GLT: Do you have any advice or tips that you can share with the readers?

GC: Talk about your sexual expectations early in your relationship. Don’t expect spontaneity to carry you through, it won’t. And we know, from common sense and from research with heterosexual couples, that sexual intimacy is a very important component of marital satisfaction, for men and women. Being intentional about sex isn’t second-best. It’s the very best, because it means you value your own sexuality, and your partner’s, enough to actively nurture that instead of passively “letting it happen.” It’s also very helpful to identify your own sexual avoidance strategies. We have both obvious and subtle ways to sabotage ourselves sexually, over scheduling weekends, drinking too much, getting onto the telephone or computer instead of focusing on each other, bringing up loaded topics which lead into arguments instead of positive connections. Ask yourself, “If I wanted to destroy a good sexual mood, how could I do it?” Just being aware of this can help you not do it.

(Self-serving comment: Read my book, especially the chapter on “24-Hour Foreplay.”)

GLT: Lastly, what advice would you give to lesbians with children?

GC: Parents have a hard time with sex. They often don’t have time, privacy, or energy to get into a sexual frame of mind. The best advice I’ve heard from parents is, leave the kids with a trusted babysitter and go out of town! Lesbian parents may have less extended family support to help with the children, and need to rely more on our friends. So it’s important for friends to step up and help parents to take time for themselves. Children are so precious and demanding, and it’s easy to wrap your whole world around them and forget about adult pleasures and needs. But this isn’t good for you as a couple, and it’s not good for your children either. After all, most of us hope our children will grow up to form their own adult relationships. Where do they learn how to do that, if not from you?

Thank you Dr. Glenda for taking the time to share your expertise and new book with us. The Gay & Lesbian Times wish you all the best.