I am embarrassed to be e-mailing you, but here goes: I can’t stop buying myself stuff. It isn’t just Christmas either; I am $84,000 in debt from several years of continual shopping (I make less than half that amount as my yearly salary). How do I get out of this hole? Whenever I feel down, I go shopping. I would like to stop this bad habit in the New Year, but how? Life is so hard… don’t I deserve to have nice things to comfort me when I feel bad?

Dear In Hock:

Thanks for having the guts to e-mail me. I imagine this isn’t an easy thing to confess; I admire your honesty. So here is mine in return: yes, you do deserve to have nice things when you feel bad, but do they need to cost $84,000? And, my friend, a debt of more than twice your annual salary will not bring you comfort. It’s more likely bringing you a whole lot of stress and unhappiness.

Going to the mall when you’re unhappy is not that different from standing in front of the refrigerator, opening the door and saying, “Okay food, make me happy.” Neither food nor shopping can make us happy for long. Here is Doctor Beyond’s happiness/shopping theory: most new things (clothes, jewelry, haircuts, makeup, computers, electronic gizmos, etc.) make us happy for three days max. After that, it wears off and then what? You have a credit card bill coming and how long will it take you to pay that off? And we’re not even talking about the interest here (I’m not Suze Orman).

As I tell my clients: it’s not what you’re buying that matters, it’s why you’re buying it. I like nice things too, but I don’t expect them to make my loneliness or boredom go away. In fact, I don’t expect much of them at all. I buy something because (1) I can afford it and (2) I like it. Period. No more, no less. If you go shopping to avoid feeling something, then, honey, you’re headed for trouble. How long do you think you can avoid your troubles this way? One client of mine recently bought a $40,000 car because he was bored with his life. Another client took a $3,000 trip to Europe because she was fed up with dating women who “didn’t appreciate me.” When the newness of the car and the European trip wear off, where are these folks? Back where they started, with a big ol’ debt to make them feel even worse!

The retail world is happy to make money off our insecurities. Many luxury good retailers appeal to this sense of insecurity (buy something from us and you’ll be envied and admired). On the other end of the spectrum, discount stores seemingly appeal to our intelligence (buy something from us and you’ll be a smarter shopper than your friends). Rather than fall for their tricks, ask yourself before you step out your front door, “What is my motivation in going shopping?” In this hyper-media-driven society, we are continually encouraged to indulge our narcissism and self-pity, to tell ourselves, “I deserve it.” Of course you deserve it. We all deserve nice things… But using this logic to rack up a debt of $84,000 is bullshit rationalization.

You deserve comfort when you feel bad, but, baby, this ain’t it. Comfort doesn’t have a hidden price tag that will come back and bite you in the ass when the credit card bills come flooding in. Comfort comes from taking a good long look at yourself and asking, “Why am I so depressed/angry/lonely/sad?” Go to the root of the problem, and stop with the $84,000 band-aids already!

P.S. Debtor’s Anonymous groups are really helpful for some people, and credit assistance/consolidation services are available too. But first, look within. Then go for (external) help and support.