What is the difference between a misogynistic gay man and a man-hating lesbian?

No, this is not a joke, but don’t miss the punch line all the same: absolutely none. They’re both wrong.

It has been said that the discord within the GLBT community is due to the fact that the only thing we actually have in common is the fact that we are persecuted for our sexuality — aside from that, our cultural histories, beliefs, families, preferences and talents are completely distinct.

That may be true, but persecution is a pretty big thing to have in common — and one would think that being persecuted would make us more sensitive to and critical of the persecution of others. Surely we’ve moved beyond “kick the dog syndrome.” Or have we?

We as a community have nothing to gain from using our differences to pick on each other. The persecuted have from time immemorial turned around and persecuted others, but from time immemorial such bullying has proven to be the equivalent of shooting yourself in the foot — instead of banding together to give the persecutors a punch in the nose, everyone ends up lame and persecuted.

At the same time, we need to realize that we are not perfect, and that we must be able, as a community, to discuss our differences, concerns and, yes, even shortcomings. There is a big difference between taking a critical look at ourselves and bashing segments of the community that differ from “us.”

To say that lesbians in general tend to donate less money to GLBT causes than gay men is not an attack on lesbians. To say that there is a tendency for some older gay men to focus on much younger men in a way that may not always be healthy for both is not a blanket condemnation of gay men.

Particularly since both happen to be true.

We have become so sensitized to criticism from the non-GLBT community that we have a hard time taking a critical look at ourselves when necessary. We are no better off trying to ignore issues than we are trying to beat each up over them, and we need to learn to look at ourselves realistically, without glossing over our imperfections or attacking others in an attempt to shift the spotlight.

For example, it’s time we simply admitted that we are no less bigoted than the straight community. The Hispanic, African-American, Native-American and Pacific Islander communities are still often ignored or thrown together in a single group of “non-whites.” The Hispanic community and the Black community still strike sparks against each other, gay men accuse lesbians of taking over, lesbians accuse gay men of shutting them out, gays and lesbians blame bisexuals for making straights believe “it’s all just a phase,” and damn near everyone blames the transgender community for damn near everything. The fact that you don’t want to dress in drag, find it impossible to be attracted to both sexes, don’t understand the concept of being a woman trapped in a man’s body, or vice-versa, does not mean those aren’t valid life experiences.

That being said, instead of accusing particular groups or individuals, deflecting blame by saying, “they’re worse than we are,” or avoiding the entire issue by claiming that even bringing it up is an attempt to polarize the community, it is high time for us to admit that we are all at fault and work together to do something constructive about it. What can we do? Well, that’s why we have to talk about it, so that we can find out.

Toni Morrison once described her method of combating racism as a matter of attacking the details rather than waving the large anti-racism banner; deleting racist comments out of the daily language and addressing minute racist implications as they occur, rather than discussing hate as an intellectual and political construct only. The same tactics can and should be used in our community. We only diminish ourselves by saying we want the right to be different, then insisting that anyone else who wants to be allowed to be different must follow our lead.

We are a large and wonderfully varied community, and that is a great part of our strength. But until we learn to celebrate our differences rather than feel threatened by them, we will continue to waste that strength wrestling with each other.