What’s all the fuss and excitement over a successful Mars landing.… we have spent billions, yes BILLIONS of DOLLARS on numerous, mostly unsuccessful projects to Mars.… while some seniors go without food and health care.… thousands of children go hungry every day.… there is still no cure for cancer, AIDS.… As I’ve always said, lets spend those billions of dollars saving lives on earth, rather than wasting it on trying to find out if there was ever life on Mars…

A.J. Davis-Defeo will cause a major scandal when she goes to Las Vegas and gets married to Britney Spears for 14 hours and then has it annulled.

“Rev.” Pat Robinson will shock the world when he says that God visited him and told him to get a sex-change and start a “transgenders for Christ” sewing circle in Nebraska.

Nicole Murray Ramirez will be quarantined when it is discovered that he is the source of “Mad Cow” disease in the world.

Big Mike will jump off the Coronado Bridge after he is told that Hallmark Cards have gone out of business.

Al Best will give an eight-hour eulogy at Big Mike’s memorial.

Coco LaChine will actually have a column without a picture of herself and her weekly go go boy contest winners.

Delores Jacobs will actually be seen wearing a dress and heels at two events!

Ben Dillingham will flip out and become a model for the Gap.

Todd Gloria will steal all of Ben Dillingham’s suits and ties.

Peter Navarro will run for and be elected as Empress XXXIII of San Diego.

District Attorney Bonnie Dumanis will indict Peter Navarro for “impersonating a queen.”

Three new gay cafes will open… one by Rich’s, one by Bourbon Street and one a block away from Bacchus House… all serving great hamburgers.

Rob Appell will hold an AIDS charity event with 80 percent of the proceeds actually going to AIDS charities.

Mayor Dick Murphy and Deputy Mayor Toni Atkins will make a deal to incorporate Hillcrest as its own city.

The new city of Hillcrest will introduce their police force: “Dykes on Bikes”

A Marine will be discovered at Camp Pendleton to be the world’s only true “top,” thus making the Guinness Book of World Records.

Joe Letukus of Flicks will announce that he has turned straight and will marry Liza Minelli.

Rush Limbaugh will invest in gay circuit parties and the bottled water business…

Hamburger Mary’s Mardi Gras and Bourbon Street’s Mardi Gras will both be great successes.

Michael Mack will fall in love with Michael Jackson after discovering that Jackson has size 14 feet.

Rob Baker will be declared a “National Historic Site” after being confused with the Grand Canyon.

It’s going to be a wild fun and “bear country” at the Brass Rail this coming Sunday January 11th with the official release party of the “Latinosos 2004 Calendar.” It all starts at 7:00 p.m. and most of the models will be there. The event includes model auction, calendar signing etc.… your party hostess is the one and only Franceska…. The calendars will be on sale for only $12 and it’s going to be one fun and prideful night…. For more info visit www.gaylesbiantimes.com for a link to the Latinosos web site.

Popular artist Tug James will hold his first San Diego art exhibit next Wednesday, Jan. 14, at the fabulous Urban Grind (3797 Park Blvd.) next to Numbers. Tug James art is well known back east and he has been working on his first west coast exhibit in the last year and promises to be one of the most exciting art shows of 2004, so stop by Urban Grind (6:30 to 8:30 p.m.) next Wednesday and check out his great works. Purchase some, as trust me, it’s all going to go up in value!

Hey, start getting those costumes ready for Bourbon Street’s King and Queen of Mardi Gras 2004 costume contest with $1,000 in cold, hard cash to the winners!!! Bourbon Street has planned “Seven days of Decadence,” starting Feb. 18 and ending on “Fat Tuesday” (Feb. 24) with some wild, exciting, erotic and sexy events being planned and to be announced soon. And this year part of the proceeds raised at Bourbon Street’s week long event will benefit the Ben F. Dillingham Community Grant.… Mark your calendars!!!