Dear Old-Fashioned:

“Falling in love” implies that we’re passive and helpless. I like my fellow psychotherapist Tom Moon’s idea of “standing in love.” It takes guts and strength and endurance and a lot of impulse control to “stand in love.” And if the movie versions of romance are really illusions, how can we eliminate these phony ideas about romance and “stand in love?”

First, there is nothing wrong or right about if and when you decide to have sex with someone. Everyone’s timetable is unique. There is no recipe for real, solid love. One (now happy) couple I worked with met at a bathhouse and have been together for eight solid years. They are truly “standing in love.”

If you want “romance,” why not define it specifically? Could romance for you mean: consideration, shared intimacy, taking turns “spoiling” each other with the occasional fancy night out? Could romance mean not running away when one of you gets sad and needs to be comforted and held? Could it mean allowing the other person to be angry or grumpy because their day at work was hell and yours wasn’t? I invite you to define what you mean by romance; it may not be illusory at all.

Or it might be: if you expect Hollywood-ish experiences on a regular basis, you’re probably heading for an unhappy ending (no matter how good your “trailer” was!) I often tell my clients that “when the glitter wears off” is when you see what you’ve really got with a new lover, e.g., when he has bad breath in the morning, when she snores and you can’t get to sleep, etc. This is when your “fall” into romance is over: either you “stand” in love or take off running. This is your opportunity to leave Hollywood’s romantic illusions behind and act like a grownup. You see your flaws, your lover’s flaws and — together — you work them through.

You mention that you like to be courted. That’s great, as long as it’s mutual. To let your lover know that you treasure them, desire them, find them attractive, sexy, exciting… this is what courtship means in 2004. Sex has little to do with it. Sex is a part of the big picture, but it’s just a part.

Dear Missing Her:

For most of us, the first weeks and months after the death of someone we love are more difficult than we could ever imagine. We are often told – after the funeral/services/memorial — that we should get “back to normal” as quickly as possible. However, for many of us, this is when our grieving really begins. The weeks and months after a loved one’s death are messy; we don’t know what to do and often we question who we are, how the universe could do this, and more.

Forget about being “normal” for a while. Grief demands our attention, and the realization of deep and permanent change in our lives hits us hard. Other friends may grieve in different and surprising ways, and this can lead to tension and misunderstandings. Cut yourself and others a whole lot of slack. Do not put pressure on yourself to be free of pain by a certain time period. Give yourself all the time you need to adjust to life without your loved one.

Maximize your self-care. You may not be able to withdraw from the world while grieving, but you can take extra-special care of every part of yourself so that your grieving process is a time of healing, growth deepening, and, ultimately, transformation.

As you enter this new cycle of your life, you have the opportunity to realize that your willingness to recover and rebuild your life reflects the very best of what your friend has given you… and in that, she lives on.