In honor of Valentine’s Day, I decided to print one of the most challenging romantic questions I’ve received to show you that nothing is impossible when it comes to love. Difficult maybe, but not impossible. Read on…

Doctor Beyond:

Backtracking in Clairemont

Dear Backtracking:

As a psychotherapist with a practice largely of gay men, I encourage my clients to see a good relationship as a marriage (pun intended) of mind, heart and dick. If any one of these is left out, good luck honey! So first off, when you let your dick lead you into sex with someone, tell the truth about it: the dicks were in charge! And we’ve all been there. But what happens when a sex hook-up becomes more: when your heart and mind start to get involved? Wow! What a great surprise, isn’t it? Some might say it’s a gift from God, but, regardless of the source, it is a gift and I encourage my clients to look at it this way.

First off, pay attention to yourself and notice what’s going on with you. Look inward first! What is your heart saying? Do you hear your heart beating faster? Is your heart saying that there could be deep feelings here? Do you feel that this is way more than just sucking or fucking? Is your heart happy? Is it singing? No, not in that fake MGM-musical kind of way, but in a warm, tender, sweet, vulnerable way. That’s real.

Secondly, what is your head saying? This can be harder to identify, because our mind can be our best friend or worst enemy. If you are thinking clearly and not coming from fear or scars from past relationships, your mind might be saying, “Hey, you know, there is potential here for more than I expected.… He might be a really great guy.… Why not see what’s possible?” On the other hand, if you are one of the walking wounded (we all live there part time, like a time-share condo) you might think, “Oh yeah, right, like this bathhouse sex date is going to turn into a deep, meaningful relationship. Don’t be an idiot, it’s just sex. You got your rocks off, move on!” You might even hear both voices inside your head: not unusual. These voices can create internal debates that paralyze us from taking any action. Don’t go there.

I strongly encourage you to notice what your heart and head are saying before you take any action at all. You had great sex, there might be more to this man than you thought. What do you do now? It’s usually helpful not to act impulsively. Instead, you can sit with your thoughts and feelings and see what you really want, feel, think (it’s called impulse control, dear readers and you can do it!)

I recommend you sit for three days with your feelings before deciding to call/not call Mr. Sex Toy. If you decide to call, tell him (and yourself) the truth: that you’d like to see if there’s more to you two than just good sex. Be brave and be honest and ask for what you want. If he says no, you won’t crumble. If he says yes, then you’re ready for a new adventure. I can’t tell you where that adventure may take you, but wouldn’t it be great to find out?