Valentine’s Day is supposed to be a celebration — love is in the air, couples are holding hands and rejoicing in their undying love.…

Now for a dose of reality. For many people, Valentine’s Day can be a difficult time. If you aren’t in a relationship, you can feel lonely. If you are in a relationship, you can end up bending over backwards (and forwards) to have a romantic evening and exchange “perfect” gifts. How can you enjoy the day if you’re a person who struggles with it, or with expectations so high that you can only be disappointed?

Before delving into this question, I’d like to offer some ideas about love. Mostly, we are taught that love equals romance. From every corner of society, we are led to believe that someday we will meet our prince(ss), fall in love, and live happily ever after.

This idea perpetuates loneliness and a sense of failure, and society ignores the fact that there are many kinds of love. We need to develop a realistic view of love and expand its definition so that it includes its various forms of expression.

There comes a time in life, way too long after we learn that there’s no Santa Claus or Easter Bunny, that we learn there is no Prince(ss) Charming out there. But there is good news: If you adjust your expectations about what a relationship can give you, you are one big step closer to getting into one.

It is important to note that no one is ever “complete,” and a partner can indeed help you feel complete. But being incomplete is very different than being needy, which is perhaps the biggest barrier to finding a relationship. “People who need people” can’t seem to stay in relationships for very long, while people who don’t need to be in a relationship, often succeed (how many times have you heard: “I wasn’t looking, and then, all of a sudden…”). In other words, you need to be emotionally ready for a relationship in order to find one. And that involves developing a realistic picture of love, which includes shedding the belief that there is “a soul mate waiting for you” or that someone can magically change you or make you better.

On the flip side, some cynics claim that there is no one for them; that they are too old, too fat, too whatever. This is as absurd as magical thinking. Often, people who feel this way are either bitter from a prior relationship or too afraid to take the plunge and find someone, which includes opening yourself up to hurt.

Therefore, before you can have a good relationship, you must work on yourself. You need to be able to tolerate rejection, allow yourself to be vulnerable (take risks), be willing to sift through people who aren’t a good match, and get to the point where you like yourself most of the time and love yourself at least some of the time. It is only then that you can see Romantic Love for what it is: an illusion perpetuated by our own and society’s projections — and can replace it with a more realistic definition of love that involves commitment, allegiance, and hard work.

To develop a more realistic picture of love, we should expand the definition of love to bring it into everyday reality. Sometimes, love takes a word, a gesture, or a token of affection. One of the greatest forms of love is giving time and attention to another human being. Giving love, and not attaching any strings, can make other people — and yourself — feel good. Not only can it help you emotionally, but some studies have found that helping others increases immune functioning, so it can help you physically as well.

You can also expand the definition of love from a thing (to give and get) into a process. As you grow, you are capable of more love. Like happiness, love must come from the inside, and over time you can love more, and more deeply.

Another way to expand the definition of love is to include forgiveness. Often, people think that if they forgive someone, they are letting the other person off the hook. To the contrary, forgiveness is for the aggrieved individual. Not only can forgiveness give you peace of mind, but it can also release you from feeling bitterness and hatred. And just like helping others, forgiveness improves your emotional and physical health.

By expanding the meaning of Love on Valentine’s Day, the actual day can be more meaningful. Remember that “falling in love” fades and you have to build love for yourself, your partner, and your community.