I feel inundated with all the commentary about how gays should have equal rights to marry, on the one hand, and that such a right will bring irreparable harm to the sacred institution of marriage on the other. The news volume is so great, I dreamed last night in memo form. And this is what it looked like.

MEMO #1:

TO: The President

FROM: Karl Rove, White House Political Director

DATE: Friday, Feb. 13

RE: Marriage Amendment

As you are well aware, our polling numbers in recent weeks have slid to unacceptable levels. Even though we’re nine months from the election, our campaign fears that without some immediate turn-around, the damage may be too great to overcome the eventual Democratic nominee.

As you know, I am talking and meeting daily with leaders representing our base who are concerned about a number of challenges we face. These range from an expensive war based on bad intelligence, faulty planning for post-war Iraq, a deficit that eclipses any record based on GDP or real numbers, a still-stagnant economy and new spending plans like a moon-shot and our $1.5 billion marriage initiative.

In order to reverse this trend and shore-up our base support, I feel it is time to play our “Ace” card – the Marriage Amendment.

As you know, the Massachusetts Supreme Court recently went a step further on the issue of homosexual marriage, by ruling that such licenses must be issued to same-sex couples by May 16. As your legal team has advised you, this will set up a legal tsunami in which “married” homosexuals can immediately move to another state, demand recognition and rights from that state under the “full faith and credit” clause of Article IV of the Constitution, and then file suit when denied.

Because we still have liberal judges on our own Supreme Court, we cannot take the chance that they will strike down any case brought against a state that refuses to acknowledge homosexual “marrieds”, notwithstanding the Defense of Marriage Act signed by President Clinton.

Therefore, my recommendation is that you allow me to proceed with planning your announced endorsement of the marriage protection amendment. This will insure our Christian base supporters will activate and reunite as the solid coalition that won your first election.

P.S. I would further advise that we send the Vice President back to a safe, undisclosed location until after the election so he doesn’t make a public slip as he did in the 2000 debate with Al Gore. You will recall that his comments at that time were interpreted to support a state’s ability to resolve issue of homosexual equality and marital rights on their own.

MEMO #2:

TO: The President

FROM: Patrick Guerriero, Executive Director, Log Cabin Republicans

DATE: Saturday, Feb. 14

RE: Marriage Amendment

As you are well aware, your polling numbers in recent weeks have slid to unacceptable levels. Even though you’re nine months from the election, the fear is that without some immediate turn-around, the damage may be too great to overcome the eventual Democratic nominee.

I am talking and meeting daily with gay and lesbian Republicans who are concerned about a number of challenges we face. These range from an expensive war based on bad intelligence, faulty planning for post-war Iraq, a deficit that eclipses any record based on GDP or real numbers, a still-stagnant economy and new spending plans like a moon-shot and the $1.5 billion marriage initiative.

In order to reverse this trend and shore-up the Republican “big tent”, I feel it is time to play your “Ace” card on the Marriage Amendment.

With the Massachusetts Supreme Court’s follow-up ruling that same-sex marriage licenses must be issued to qualifying couples by May 16, now is the time to take sides on this issue. You can regain your base Republican support which knows that states’ rights is an American tradition that has served our nation well and that amending the constitution for social purposes is not only a mistake, but a gross misuse of that sacred governing document.

Therefore, my recommendation is that you immediately announce your opposition to the marriage protection amendment. This not only will diffuse the issue for Democrats who would have exploited your support as mean-spirited, but will signal the American public that your focus will be on public matters of national interest, and be the President of one America. Further, it will solidify your base of GLBT support, which I should remind you was your margin of victory in Florida in 2000.

P.S. I would further advise that we include Mary Cheney in the announcement. And by the way, Happy Valentine’s Day to you and Mrs. Bush.