What do you do when you meet someone at a bathhouse, have great sex, and then begin to fall in love with them?

In my last column: two guys got together at the bathhouse. One of them wrote to me and said he had saw things in the other guy that he liked. Should he pursue this guy? Well, he decided to call the other guy and guess what? There was mutual interest. They made a date to meet for dinner. Uh oh, now what?

Let’s make this more interesting. Let’s assume that each man has a different point of view about this upcoming date. Man #1 (let’s call him “Alejandro”) thought Man #2 (let’s call him “Evan”) was “a real hunk and good in bed” and that he had potential as either a friend or boyfriend. Evan, on the other hand, had been burned so many times by bad relationships that he wasn’t too thrilled to consider opening up his heavily-scarred heart again, but he liked sex with Alejandro and found him, “very real and very good for my ego.”

Each man has his own inner demons to conquer to turn a “sex-trick” into a loving partner. How can you turn great sex into something more, something deeper, something that is much more risky because, by going beyond sex only, you allow yourself to be vulnerable.

Yes, dear readers, it doesn’t take much in the intimacy department to give or get a good blowjob or a great fuck… You can keep it all surface, erotic and brief. You risk little emotionally and may gain even less. Turning hot sex into a powerful, loving relationship is a whole other ball of wax: a much hotter ball of wax. You may get burned when you open your heart. Remember the mind-heart-dick combo: You can have a happy, worn-out dick with little psychological wear-and-tear. But when you bring your heart into the picture, look out!

It takes a healthy dose of self-esteem and a strong sense of self to risk the transitions from sex buddies to boyfriends to long-term partners. Hang in, dear reader, the story of Alejandro and Evan is drawing to its exciting climax. (Oh boy.) Let’s look at some of the steps that our heroes (well, aren’t they?) and even YOU too may go through on your own adventure.

Our heroes met at bathhouse and had great sex. There was something about each of them that attracted the other. This isn’t only about looks or dick size, it’s also about personality, body language, communication style (verbal and non) and attitude. It would be helpful for them to each get clear on what attracted them to each other. It would give them an awareness of a “foundation” for a relationship: something they could build upon over time. Get the picture?

These guys were smart (they watch Oprah) and realized they each had psychological baggage. Who doesn’t? Be prepared for this. Unless it’s your first relationship, you know you’ve got your shit and so does everyone else. Do not idealize anyone! Eventually you’ll find things about them that you don’t like. Be prepared for this so you don’t prematurely crash and burn.

Don’t rush a relationship: allow a potential boyfriend to “unwrap” himself at his own speed. You may be eager to know who this guy really is, but by pushing him you may never find out. I had a client who used to interview new lovers like a newspaper reporter – he would fire off questions at them to learn as much as he could in the shortest time. Very few men find that appealing. Few of us want to be pushed and prodded. So don’t.

OK, you’re taking it slow, not idealizing this guy, building a foundation for a future … what next? Isn’t it weird when you know him sexually better than personally or spiritually? Let the non-sex part of your connection catch up with the physical piece. Sex is a piece of getting to know someone, but it’s only a piece. How important that piece is will vary from man-to-man and from moment-to-moment. What matters is to talk about it with your new lover and not make assumptions. “Mind reading doesn’t work … you gotta talk” as we say in the psychotherapy biz.

The moral of our story? Know your psychological baggage so that it doesn’t hold you back or run your life. Unlike in real estate, it isn’t about “location, location, location!” Where and how you meet someone doesn’t matter as much as what you do after you meet. If you meet through great sex, be thankful for (1) the great sex and (2) the great guy. What you do after that is up to you.