Dear Editor:

I was almost as surprised at Michael Kimmel’s reaction to the two letters he mentions in his Issue #847 column as he was to the letters themselves. Perhaps, in his profession, he has to maintain a compartmentalized duality to keep his license, so he keeps his sexual activities separated. I’m not professionally licensed or anything, but if I had not acted on impulse over the years when opportunities presented themselves, from handymen I hired to playing with bartenders after hours, I’d have missed out on a lot of hot encounters. We’re all adults who take personal responsibility and professional responsibility when it’s called for, and I never once had a problem in either area of activity. I think those two letters are typical of what happens a lot more than he thinks.

Tom Giles

Dear Editor:

Feb. 16, 2004

Yesterday I married my soul mate, the woman I have loved for eight and a half years. It wasn’t planned; I wore jeans and stood in line for 14 hours outside, most of it in pouring rain and cold temperatures. Not the most romantic of situations, and yet the most romantic moment I have ever had in my life. I am a woman (go back and read the first line again now!), and a mother, and a teacher, and a taxpayer, and a grocery shopper (but I’d never cross a picket line), and a mower of lawns, homeowner, feeder of dogs, ... well, you get the picture. The wedding was real and was really unplanned. It took place in San Francisco City Hall.

In our society I am a second class citizen … separate and unequal. If my soul mate was a man, we could have skipped the 20 hour drive round trip, the 14 hours in line and waltzed into City Hall in San Diego and been in and out and married in an hour. More of our friends and family could have been there to support us. I wouldn’t have had to stop by Walgreens to buy a toothbrush and dry socks. But when a place in our great free country, in our home state says, you maybe have the next 3 days to get married, you jump at the chance, any way you can.

I also wouldn’t have met some phenomenal people and been with thousands who filled a building with so much love and commitment, it was palpable. I guess if you are willing to go through hell to get something you want, it means that much more, is that much more enduring. The couple behind us in line (2 men) are raising 4 children and have been together 33 years!

We stopped on the way up to pick up our daughter, a freshman in college at UCSB, and her girlfriend. They came with us and when we were turned away on Sunday afternoon, I thought about going home. We had no plans to stay, no change of clothes. I needed, wanted, to be home with my 16 year old son. My daughter took me for a walk. She told me that if it was easy anyone could change the world. Someone had to walk down the path first. With her courage and commitment we stayed, committing our act of civil disobedience, like so many world changers have done before us.

At first, I thought of it as a way to be heard, to stand up for what is right. While we stood in line a woman came out of the building and said, “No matter what you are feeling now, and the reasons why you are doing this, when you come out of City Hall, you will be changed.”

I didn’t understand what she meant then, I do now.

We filled out and filed the forms, swore our information was true, hugged a lot of tired, happy, unpaid city clerks along the way and then it was our turn to walk up the two story marble staircase in the rotunda of City Hall. Harps and flutes played (more real live volunteers). My friends from San Diego (husband and wife), who kept calling us throughout the day Sunday, drove up to be our witnesses. My daughter’s girlfriend had the video camera ready.

Whatever my reasons for doing this, for being “recognized” by my country, fell away as soon as the deputy mayor told me to hold my partners hands and face her. When the vows started, I started crying. Everyone and everything fell away and it was just her and I pledging our love to each other forever … for better, for worse … words I’d heard a hundred times, suddenly had brand new meaning. … “Spouses for Life” we finished. I cried, kissed her, cried some more and held on tight … magic! I now understood the woman outside who told me I would be changed. I feel so different, probably like most people do after their wedding ceremony.

Today we spent the day telling our family and friends. Kind of weird to tell them after the fact. Most were excited to hear, very supportive. Some were confused. Some thought it was meaningless… didn’t we know it would all probably be revoked? Duh! Most of our rights are continuously threatened… that’s the way second-class citizens live, always having things taken away. But yesterday I was given the greatest gift of all; legitimacy of my lifelong committed relationship. No one can take yesterday away from me, even if the marriage license becomes void; I have a copy to prove it really happened!

So, I’d like to end by saying thank you to the mayor and City of San Francisco, my daughter, Lisah, Tom and Kris, and the thousands of volunteers, and fellow line standers that made my wedding day the most enchanting day of my life. I will never forget. … I will never give up on the dream and the fight for equality for all of us. I am heartened by the fact that no civil rights movement has ever failed in this country and that the majority never determines the fate of a minority.

I love you baby … forever!

Lori Brickley

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