Dear Sleepless:

I am unclear what the problem is in the scenario you mentioned. If the brother is gay and not ready to come out, is this a problem? And if so, for whom? If his brother or others have a problem with him being closeted, they can either work it out on their own or talk with him about their concerns. You said your daughter and her husband are looking for help in sorting out their feelings. This is admirable. Let them work through their own feelings (hopefully, with a therapist who is comfortable with gay coming-out issues) before approaching this allegedly closeted man.

Most of us gay men, lesbians and bisexuals come out when we are ready. This man may not be ready; it may not be helpful to push him. On the other hand, he may welcome someone talking lovingly and compassionately with him about this. If your daughter and her husband want to speak with him about this highly sensitive topic, I recommend that they get clear on their own feelings and motivations. Is it really OK with them if he’s gay? Is it OK with them if he chooses to be closeted? Can they accept him conditionally, or do they have an “agenda”? If they are really okay with him – however he wants to be –they may wish to let him know this. They could try some version of, “We’re a bit confused. We wonder if you are seeing or dating men. If you are, it’s OK with us, and yet maybe we have this all wrong. Could you help us out here?”

This assumes, of course, that it is OK with them. I’m not sure it would be good to bring this up until they are really OK with it. To work through their own feelings first would be helpful before taking on his. Otherwise, it can be chaotic and overwhelming and not helpful to anyone.

The phrase “my daughter has uneasy feelings” sends warning flags up for me. What does that mean? If she is uneasy about having a gay brother-in-law, then I recommend she get help to deal with her “uneasy feelings” before she tries to help. And also, what does it mean when you say, “My daughter is ready to bring this out into the open”? This implies she is going to “out” him whether he wants it or not. Again, I ask, whose problem is this?

Let’s not assume that every closeted man or woman is ready to come out and wants to be outed. If we have a problem with someone who’s closeted, then let’s take responsibility for ourselves and look within before we act. Many of my clients came out later in life because that’s when they were ready to deal with being openly gay. Prematurely pushing someone out of the closet may sound politically progressive, but it can be personally destructive to the person being pushed.

Often, what really matters when we want to “help” people is to ask ourselves, “What is my motivation here?” Our intention is crucial. If we honestly love someone whether they are gay or not, closeted or not, ready to talk about it or not, then it’s fine to gently and lovingly bring up the subject. However, if our intention is to reduce our own anxiety, then our motivation is a poor one and we would be better off working through our own stuff before talking to someone that we claim we want to “help”.