Dear Grieving:

My condolences to you and your family. Losing our parents is one of life’s most painful and traumatic events. It’s different for each of us, but there are some common emotions and challenges. Parents continue to live with us in our memories, attitudes, even in our gestures and mannerisms. As time passes, the initial pain and confusion of mourning lessens and a deeper, wiser understanding emerges. But how do we get there from here?

Some of us go numb when we first experience the loss of our dad. The busyness of a funeral and memorial activities can help “hide” this, but usually it all feels a bit “unreal” and we don’t really know what we’re feeling in the time immediately after a father’s death. As a psychotherapist, I do a lot of grief and loss work with my clients (I used to work at San Diego Hospice), and I have observed that most people feel abandoned when they lose their dad. I would say that this is the “I miss my Daddy” feeling you mentioned. If you were close to your dad, you’ve lost a friend, someone you could turn to for advice, even if you didn’t agree with that advice! For most of us, our Dads were the ones who “made it all better.” This usually lingers into our adulthoods too: We call Dad when we need advice, support, or to find out what parts to buy at Home Depot to install that new kitchen sink.

Even if we didn’t get along very well with our dad when he was alive, the little kid in all of us still sees our dad as big and strong, so how can he be gone? We usually feel a combination of emotions – sadness, depression, anger, disbelief, shock, as it slowly hits us that dad isn’t here anymore. We may even pick up the phone to call him before we remember that he’s not there to answer.

Our father’s death forces us to grow up. I’ve heard my clients say that they never really grew up until their father died. His death forces us to look at our own mortality and biological clock, and this is scary and uncomfortable.

Expect to feel a bit orphaned after your dad dies: he’s the only dad you ever had and now he’s gone. You can compensate by seeking out other father figures (gay or straight) for friendship and counsel, but they’ll never replace your dad. If you’re a father yourself, you can put your dad’s memory to good use by putting some of that fatherly energy into your own kids (even if they are “animal” children). If you’re not a biological father, you can still be “fatherly” by sharing paternal kindness, caring or nurturing with someone you know who needs it. As gay men and lesbians, we may not have our own biological children, but we can be loving, supportive and protective of younger gays, lesbians and bisexuals and transgender people. This is the essence of “father” energy, and we can all give this, regardless of our age, gender or life situation.

You may be experiencing a lot of ambivalence about your dad. This is normal: no dad is perfect, and they all leave both painful and pleasant memories behind. A psychotherapist or psychologist can help a lot when it comes to working through these unfinished issues. Family members may be well-meaning, but each one has her/his own relationship with your dad and it may be hard for them to hear you with objectivity. Friends may also want to help, but their own fears of death and mortality may cloud their ability to talk with you about your dad’s death and your grief.

Many of my gay, bi and lesbian clients experience what I call a “father wound” because they’ve had less than fabulous relationships with their dads. Until recently, most dads were not expected to be emotionally close to their sons or daughters or to express their love openly. If you’re feeling that “father wound” now, get some help so you can work through it, and hopefully reach a point where forgiveness is possible.