Dear Editor:

It seems that gay marriage leads to straight divorce, according to supporters of anti-gay-marriage laws. Once we make same-sex marriage legal, the floodgates will open, and every man who ever salivated over Pamela Anderson Lee’s space-age augmented heaving cleavage, will suddenly discover his hidden desire for David Hasselhoff’s aging-yet-tanned and toned pectorals. Lap-dancers in girlie shows across the nation will take up knitting to pass the time as their customer’s chairs sit forlorn and abandoned, their occupants now gyrating shirtless to “It’s raining men” at the Eagle bar down the street.

Of course there may be a grain of truth beneath this farcical vision: Once we recognize same-sex marriage, it eventually becomes socially acceptable, and many people living lives of quiet desperation will find themselves free to be who they really are. And, of course, we can’t have anything like that in America. At least, not in George W. Bush's America.

A recent study by the federal government shows that the Bible Belt states lead the nation in the rate of divorce. Nevada has the highest rate, which probably doesn’t surprise many, with its long-held reputation as the land of quickie divorces. But also making the top ten list are Oklahoma, Tennessee, Arkansas and Alabama. We’re talking salt-of-the-earth, quilt-making, straw-chawing, maw-and-paw-lovin’ heartland Americans here. It’s just don’t git more fundamentalist Christian than this, folks.

When embarrassing figures like these come out, of course pastor Billy-Bob Fire-and-Brimstone needs to come up with some explanation to assuage his wondering (and, apparently, wandering) flock. Now, how to address the problem, find a scapegoat, and not impugn any of his parish (because, of course, if he offends them, then they will stop tithing, and his salary may take a dive – our Billy Bob didn’t get that new Cadillac Eldorado by being a financial dummy).

So, who can we blame for such a high divorce rate and still not officially offend any of our congregants? Ah – them evil homosexuals! Voila! It’s just them per-verts who are sullying the sanc-ti-ty of marriage with their evil ways. Problem solved. Well, sure, think about it: no self-respecting household is going to admit to knowing any homosexuals, and certainly there are none in our family (although those poor Jones's down the street – I hear Stephen is going to design school! I really don’t know how sister Essie Mae is going to show her face in church on Sunday. Although I’ll bet Stephen can help her find a fashionable hat that might help distract attention from that mole on her face that in just the right light looks like Jimmy Swaggart crying, “I have sinned.”)

So, Billy-Bob now has a viable scapegoat. He can explain away those awful statistics. Good God-fearing people being tempted and led astray by these agents of the devil himself. The people of the parish can comfort themselves knowing that they are safe from the horrors of divorce because they don’t know any faggots (OK, OK, Jr. insists on arranging the Thanksgiving Centerpiece in festive shades of aqua, puce and magenta and doing the Turkey’s giblets up in a bouffant, but that doesn’t mean anything, right? He’s just … imaginative!)

The only little fly in this ointment begins to flap its pathetic wings in sister Betty Sue’s gravy when we look at the fact that most out gay men and women live in major metropolitan areas. And these happen to be in the states with the lowest divorce rates – Massachusetts, Connecticut and New York (surprise!). And, yes, even that in-your-face liberal state, California, has a divorce rate (4.3) that is below the national average (4.6). In fact almost all of the states that have the highest divorce rates do not contain cities with large gay populations. So if gay men and women visibly living committed lives as couples contribute to straight couples breaking up, shouldn’t the largest divorce rates be in the areas where the out gay population is highest?

I really don’t want to turn a stony heart to the Bible Belt couples. Let’s do something to help sustain love where it is planted. Instead of making up boogeymen (and women), let’s look at some of the causes that experts have cited for high divorce rates in these areas:

- Poverty (are you listening, brother Bush? Praise Jesus, pass the salt, and send some of that oil fortune down to this end of the table, please);

- A religion that doesn’t carry as high a penalty for divorcing couples (because this is characteristically a fiercely independent demographic, pastors in the area know their parishioners would simply walk out on a church that fails to recognize their divorces); and

- Perhaps the most telling factor, younger marrying ages. Maybe if there wasn’t so much poverty crushing hopes, youth would allow themselves to have bigger dreams. They might forestall marriage and take the time to mature into savvier partner shoppers.

Nevertheless, Billy-Bob is going to have to find another scapegoat for his parish, it seems. The facts and figures just don’t back him up. Much like the turn of the century with women’s suffrage, and again in the ’60s and ’70s with women’s rights and civil rights, the nation is growing, stretching and loosening its strictures on who and what we can allow ourselves to be. It’s never an easy process, but it is relentless and as natural as winter leading to spring.

I have faith in Billy-Bob, though. Maybe he’ll find another scapegoat once he stops that affair he's having with Jimmy-Joe's wife in the storeroom back of the feed store. And don’t even get me started on what John-Boy’s doing late at night in the barnyard with the sheep!

Jim Hennum