I’ve noticed you give good advice to people in thorny situations, so here’s another one: I went to a party and met this guy,“Tom”. He was really cute and I liked him and we flirted and kissed and before I knew it we were at my house [doing it] like bunnies. So far, so good, right? Well … Tom and I got together twice more and it was great fun, but he wouldn’t plan ahead; he’d call me right before he came over and he couldn’t stay long. Can you see what’s coming? Right, he has a partner, “Roman”, who doesn’t know Tom is sleeping with me. In fact, Tom told me that he and Roman have an agreement to be monogamous because Roman doesn’t trust him. (Gee, I wonder why?) So now I am the “other” man, and I don’t like it. Tom said that if he told Roman that he was sleeping with me, Roman would divorce him. Apparently, Roman is older and makes a lot more money than Tom. I think Tom is a kept boy with a big lie. What should I do? Keep sleeping with Tom on the sly (it’s really good sex) knowing he is lying to his partner? I enjoyed it at first but now all the sneaking around is getting me down and I feel bad about this. Or should I just enjoy myself and say that this isn’t my problem; it’s theirs?

Dear Sleeping:

I’ve chosen to answer your email because I’ve received several like it over the past few months. Your letter encapsulates the debate on this topic quite nicely: Whose problem is this? Is it yours because you knowingly contribute to the deception of Roman? Or is it Tom and Roman’s problem because their relationship doesn’t allow Tom to tell Roman the truth?

What matters is how all this makes you feel about yourself. You say you “feel bad about this” and “the sneaking around is getting me down”. Your integrity is speaking loud and clear. There is little in life worth doing that leaves us feeling really bad about ourselves.

You said you and Tom are having “really good sex” – but is it really? My definition of good sex is sex that it leaves both (or all) people involved feeling good about themselves, each other and life in general. No matter how glowingly you portray it, sex with Tom is really not good sex, and it sounds like your self esteem is starting to be dragged down by all the lies and deceptions involved in sneaking around with Tom.

Not all of this is your problem, however. A big piece of this is about Tom and Roman, their integrity and the integrity of their relationship. Your responsibility is to look at your part of the picture and do what you think is skillful and helpful for all concerned. It ain’t good karma to be contributing to the deception of poor Roman – I mean rich Roman. After all, how would you feel if you were in his shoes? Laugh if you will, dear readers, but eventually we all end up playing parts in life’s soap opera.

Just for the hell of it, suppose Tom were writing in. I would recommend that he look at why he sleeps around on Roman in violation of their agreement to be monogamous. If Tom stays with Roman primarily for his money, then he may lose it by sleeping with you (or anyone else). Maybe this is what he really wants: his own integrity over Roman’s money. It sounds like Roman has good reason not to trust Tom (Don’t you think Tom has done this before?) and maybe Roman is really a great guy and Tom is a manipulative tramp.

On the other hand, if Roman were writing in, I might ask him why he continues his relationship with Tom if he knows or suspects Tom is not honoring their agreement to be monogamous. Maybe Roman knows but pretends he doesn’t, and Tom thinks Roman knows but thinks Roman doesn’t have the backbone to confront Tom with his sleeping around.

Is all this too much for you, dear readers? You might ask yourself what you would do in our letter-writer’s situation. To make it more fun, take this letter to a party this weekend and ask each person in the room to say what they would do if they were (a) the letter writer, (b) Tom or (c) Roman. Since this scenario is more common than you may suspect (you should see my mail!), it may be a useful party game. Who knows when any of us may find ourselves in these situations?