Dear Parents from Hell:

Congratulations! You’re ready for the next step of adulthood! Aren’t you excited? No? Why not?

Forgiving our parents is a core task of adulthood. It is crucial to our well-being and the health of our relationships. The voices and actions of our parents, if we cling to anger and hatred, reverberate through our brains forever. Without forgiveness, we continue to see our parents in our partners, bosses and friends. Since every parent is human, we all have childhood wounds. It’s a big club honey, and we’re all members! The bad news: We cannot truly be free until we forgive our parents. The good news: We can do it in small steps and we’ll feel better the more we forgive.

Forgiveness is not like Tang – remember Tang, the astronaut’s drink? – you can’t just add water and have instant forgiveness (not even astronauts can). No one can forgive age-old hurts easily or quickly. The more awful our parents were, the harder forgiveness is. And don’t kid yourself that it’s easier to forgive your parents if they’re dead. It’s not. In some ways, it’s harder because you can’t have a dialogue. So let me give you some ideas how to start now, while they’re so delightfully alive!

We all want our parents to change so that we don’t have to. We want them to apologize and plead – no, beg – for our forgiveness. Of course, we don’t want to have to do any of that ourselves. It’s all on them. This is infantile thinking: It keeps us in the role of victimized children.

I invite you (the adult you) to take responsibility for your part in the current relationship you have with your parents. Don’t blame yourself, but do take responsibility. It sounds like you think your parents don’t deserve your forgiveness. You don’t want to give them that satisfaction, do you? Unfortunately, by continuing to hate them, it’s you who is suffering while they’re probably having a picnic along the Sacramento River, drinking a lovely bottle of Chablis. This is hurting you, my dear. Let’s be real about this: Forgiveness makes us feel better. It’s a healthily selfish act.

Forgiveness is neither approval of poor behavior, nor is it lying to yourself that “they’re really OK … they were doing the best they can”. Cut the New Age crap, please. Your parents may have been monsters. Forgiveness lets you separate from them and dissolve the glue of hatred. Forgiveness puts you on a level playing field with your parents, so you can see them as fellow adults. Forgiving your parents lets you see yourself as powerful and able to affect change in your own life. You can stop whining, “they did it to me” and instead say, “OK now, what am I going to do about this?”

I encourage you to get help with your forgiveness process from your partner, friends and perhaps even a counselor or therapist. Take it in small steps and give yourself as much time as you need. You may be surprised to find that by forgiving mom and dad, you’ve forgiven someone else too – that person who didn’t go to Sacramento, who put this off for as long as she could and instead envied her partner’s family. Yes, Ms. Parents from Hell, you may find that this sweet, lovable, forgiving (and forgiven) person is you!