Dear Lonely:

It’s hard to move somewhere new and get to know people, so know that you’re not alone in finding this difficult. Bars and clubs can be a lot of fun, but they may not or may not be the ideal place to have the kinds of conversations that can lead to friendships; it just depends on what works for you. For some people, it’s hard to have a meaningful conversation with someone when you are surrounded by loud music and alcohol. Other people meet their best friends in bars and clubs. Know yourself and what works for you.

It might be helpful to explore a variety of places to meet people. You might make an inventory of your interests. What do you like to do? How do you like to spend your time when you’re not at work?

Doing volunteer work is an excellent way to meet like-minded people. So is going to a church or spiritual organization (if you are so inclined). Look at this paper (online or in print) for a big long list of GLBT events, activities, lectures, concerts, sport teams and other activities. Walk over to The Center (or call them up) and see what’s going on there this week. They have a multitude of activities to choose from.

Most people starting out in a new environment need time to connect with people they really enjoy. Have you ever heard of “transition” friends? These are people you may meet when you move here that (initially) you get to know and do things with, but they may not become your “real” (long-term) friends. Don’t expect them to! Enjoy their company and let them tell you about San Diego and the LGBT community. Let them be charming and entertaining. But don’t expect them to be as wonderful as the friends you left behind in El Centro. Friendships take time to grow and mature.

You say you want to meet new people but aren’t sure where. Helpful hint: going out with the intention of “meeting” someone usually doesn’t work. People can often sense someone’s desperation and loneliness, causing them to run in the opposite direction. Put yourself at ease as much as possible by participating in activities that you enjoy. Don’t do something you don’t enjoy just to meet people. If you do, you’re setting yourself up. If you go to a meeting of Queer Taxidermists and you don’t enjoy Taxidermy, what’s the point? You’ll just go, not meet anyone, and have a lousy time. (Note: Is there a Queer Taxidermy Group? If so, please let me know.) Anything that you would enjoy doing alone could be a great activity to do to meet people. This way, you can’t lose. If you don’t meet anyone interesting at the Bjork CD release party at Rich’s/Montage/Numbers, at least you’ve done something you enjoy (hearing Bjork’s music, dancing to her fabulous music, and being around other people who also are Bjork fans). You win either way.

You mention you want to meet someone who isn’t just interested in sex. Be clear about your intentions and communicate them to people that you meet. For example, if you meet someone at the gym and they smile in your direction, why not smile back? Why not have a coffee or Jamba Juice with them after your workout and get to know them? As you’re getting to know them, be clear on your intentions. You could even say, “I just moved here and I want to make friends and get to know people. I’m really not looking for a boyfriend/girlfriend right now.” It helps to be clear with people from the start, that way they’re not expecting something from you that you’re not interested in.

Lastly, and this is the hardest part of being new in town, try not to be so afraid. When people look at you and you look terrified, it may attract some people, but probably not who you want to meet. Even when your palms are sweating and you feel very alone, get out of the house and – whatever you’re doing – give us a bit of a smile. (Not a Hollywood smile darlin’. A hint of a smile will do). We will be happy to smile back. Remember, we’re all in the same boat. We all want to be loved, liked and admired, and we’re all scared shitless of being rejected, mocked and laughed at. Help us to approach you by being approachable yourself. Do your best to exude some confidence and, most importantly, leave the attitude at home.