I was just dumped by a man who I truly adore. I really thought we had something special and wonderful. We were really getting to know each other, had been together for about three months and talked every day on the phone. Now he tells me that he’s decided he wants to date someone else. I can’t believe how much this hurts me. I feel so stupid. I’ve never fallen for someone like this so fast before. My friends think I’m nuts and should just “move on” and date others. All I want to do is stay home and cry into my pillows. What can I do about my poor old broken heart?

Dear Just Dumped:

First off, honor your heart and honor your feelings. No one else can tell you what to do. Even with their good intentions, your friends don’t know what it’s like for you on the inside.

Second, be really kind to yourself. This is not the time to belittle yourself or criticize yourself. This is the time to be extra nurturing to yourself. Treat yourself as you would a sweet, beloved child who has been rejected by someone he loved. You wouldn’t scold or punish that child or tell him he was stupid to have loved, would you? Nor would you tell him to forget about the person he loved and just “move on”. Give yourself this kind, compassionate care.

Be patient. There is truth to the old adage “Time heals all wounds.” But the time involved is unique to each wound. No one can tell you that in six days/weeks/ months/years you’ll be over this. It doesn’t work that way. There is no clock that measures the time to heal a broken heart. The process is gradual. For most of us, there will be good days and bad days, days when you cry a lot about your lost love and days when you barely think of him. This is part of the natural process of healing; it comes in stops and starts, ups and downs.

You may be tempted to “stay busy” and avoid feeling your feelings. This is a common piece of advice given to those in your situation. I think this is crappy advice. A sure way to increase pain and prolong the healing process is to ignore it as much as you can. This may sound counter-intuitive, but the way through an intense rainstorm is to say, “Yep, it’s raining like hell” and carry on through it, not by pretending it doesn’t exist. An emotional storm is the same way. The truth is: “Yep, it hurts like hell” and just keep going, day by day, through good days and bad days. There’s nothing dramatic about it; some days you just slog through your hurt and sadness and anger and whatever. But… after the storm, the world is calmer, cleaner and more peaceful. This is how we are after we heal from the “storms” of emotion that come from a broken heart. But getting there ain’t easy.

A broken heart usually produces one of two results: (1) the broken-hearted person hardens their heart and vows never to fall in love again, or (2) the broken-hearted person tenderizes their heart (like meat tenderizer, remember that stuff?) and their compassion increases for themselves and all other people in the same boat. Since the first way really doesn’t work in the long run (oh yeah, right, you’re never going to fall in love again. Dream on, girlfriend), I’d recommend aspiring to the second. We can come out of these things kinder and more compassionate to ourselves and others.

Allow yourself to feel whatever emotions you’re feeling: sadness, anger, resentment, rage, revenge, resignation, melancholy. Nothing is too much and nothing is permanent. It will all pass. All emotions are temporary, they come and go.

Sometimes we are overwhelmed by the aftermath of a breakup and feel we don’t want to go on living. These thoughts are not unusual; however, if they persist, put out a call for help. Some breakups can leave us feeling overwhelmed with despair, thinking that we don’t want to live anymore. If you find yourself feeling suicidal or having suicidal thoughts, please talk them through with a trusted friend, spiritual advisor or psychotherapist. Get professional support so that any suicidal thoughts can be addressed before they have a chance to grow in intensity. While many of us initially feel that we “can’t go on” after a painful breakup, the truth is that, in the long run, the vast majority of us heal and move through these painful feelings to emerge more aware, compassionate and able to love and be loved than we ever were before.