Dear Michael:

I want to know where all the good top men are in San Diego. As a psychiatrist, can you tell me why there are so many more bottoms than tops and why some guys become tops and so many more of us are bottoms? I look forward to seeing this in the column after all those nice but boring questions you’ve been answering. Do you dare print this one?

Topless in Bankers Hill

Dear Topless:

I wonder if “Dear Abby” gets questions like these. Hmm? Well, some things may be eternal mysteries, but I’ll give your questions my best shot. First off, I am a psychotherapist, not a psychiatrist, but I doubt that even a psychiatrist can really tell you why some men (gay/bi/trans) prefer to top while others prefer to bottom. Your questions don’t address men who enjoy both (more on that later).

You say that, in your experience, there are more bottoms than tops here in San Diego. I respect that, and yet, there are men who find the opposite. I guess it depends on who you know and where you go.

I haven’t really seen much research in psychological journals on tops and bottoms in same-sex relationships, so I will have to go with my own observations as a psychotherapist (and openly gay 51-year-old man). Anal sex – at its best – is an act of intimacy, trust and excitement for both parties. Whether it happens between long-term partners at home in the comfort of their bed or in an alley behind a bar with Mr. No-Name, anal intercourse between two men (or two women for that matter) is an experience whose pleasures and parameters are defined and experienced by its participants.

It is my observation that a large percent of queer men enjoy both topping and bottoming. This is usually called being “versatile”. If you have this ability to enjoy both roles, you probably have an open-mindedness and ability to see yourself in different ways, in different roles. Such versatility may indicate emotional security that allows you to show different sides of yourself with different men in different situations.

I’m not saying that versatile men are psychologically healthier than men who are exclusive tops or bottoms, but it does seem that men who enjoy both often seem to enjoy being sexually expressive in a variety of ways, and isn’t this something we all want? What – if anything – lies behind the stereotypes of tops and bottoms? Topping may represent being active, aggressive, overly masculine, and/or being in control. It could also represent a fear of vulnerability and being penetrated (e.g., being submissive and open to another).

Bottoming could be about being receptive and secure enough to allow another to enter you and “merge” with you. It could also echo being passive and unassertive.

While there may be some truth in stereotypes, being a top or a bottom or versatile may not necessarily mean anything. For example, most of us know men we could consider to be “power bottoms”: men who are very assertive and controlling bottoms, who often orchestrate their sexual encounters down to the last detail. We also know top men who are gentle and even androgynous, busting that hyper-masculine, Marlboro Man image.

In my private practice, I have noticed that many clients, particularly younger men – start out their sexual lives exclusively as tops or bottoms until they eventually find themselves in an intimate relationship with another man. There, they often feel comfortable enough to explore the “other side” of themselves. This doesn’t always lead to versatility, but it allows both men to see what it is like to play each part and see how it fits him (pun intended).

The world of tops and bottoms is not one that can simply be explained in these few paragraphs. The SM and BD world adds further dimensions and nuances that I will not attempt to address here. Many lesbian couples also experiment with these roles, thanks to strap-on dildoes and other accoutrements that can make everyone’s sex lives more interesting.

To me, it isn’t important whether you’re a top or a bottom. What matters is that you freely and safely express your sexuality and that your partner enjoys his/hers. Overemphasizing rigid stereotypes and top-bottom roles seems like a stale, leftover paradigm from the ’70s and ’80s. I suggest that you start to explore your sexual and erotic life and experiment: Keep pushing your own envelope.

Your questions lamented the lack of top men in your life. Perhaps it would be more helpful to look at the lack of sexual and emotional fulfillment in your life, rather than to expect a time-worn stereotype to make you happy.