Thanksgiving Day is a time to offer thanks. A time of turkey, stuffing and pumpkin pie. An American holiday, passed down by our forefathers, rooted in the traditions of the early American Pilgrim. You remember the story from primary school: On Thanksgiving Day, the so-called savages rescued the pilgrims from starvation by putting their differences aside and joined the settlers in cooperation and brotherhood.

This joyous occasion of altruism has been reenacted in almost every American household since. Yet for many of us in our community, Thanksgiving is anything but joyous. Rather, it remains one of the most dysfunctional days of the year – well, Christmas is right on its heels.

How did this day of “giving”, turn into a day of “letting our family members have it”? Let’s look back at history again:

A generation later, after the balance of power shifted, the “Indian” and “White” children of the landmark day of Thanksgiving were striving to kill each other in the genocidal conflict known as King Philip’s War. At the end of that conflict, most of the New England Native Americans were either exterminated or refugees among the French in Canada, or they were sold into slavery in the Carolinas by the Puritans…Yes, now that sounds a bit more like Thanksgiving, doesn’t it?

It sure is a romantic idea, Thanksgiving. Passing the day visiting with family and friends while sumptuous aromas pour out of the kitchen as Mom happily prepares the perfect holiday feast. However, at some point during the progression of the day something begins to go terribly, terribly wrong.

Depending on the family and the level of dysfunction, this could be almost anything. Whether your father is passed out drunk before dinner is even served, or Mom’s sloshed in the kitchen struggling to finalize the holiday dinner, Thanksgiving can be one of the most tragic holidays of the year. Now add the most volatile ingredient, your sexuality, and you have a holiday recipe for disaster.

Perhaps this isn’t the sort of holiday message you were expecting. True, it is a bit cynical and indeed many families do take pleasure in the holiday season, but near as many, if not more, struggle just to make it through the day. Countless return from Thanksgiving dinner vowing, “Never again!”

The holidays have consistently been a difficult time of year for members of our community for many reasons. For those of us still in the closet, the day may seem like a circus act, dodging questions and juggling pronouns. Watching our brothers and sisters share the holiday with their partners acts as a constant reminder that our lives “appear different.” By the same token, it’s difficult for parents to see their children alone year after year, and even when they know their son or daughter is gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender or questioning, many families are not ready to deal with it head on or dare meet “the partner”.

But our community remains one of the most resilient communities in history, with many GLBTs reinventing Thanksgiving altogether. In lieu of spending the holiday with relatives, many choose to enjoy the holiday here in San Diego. Surrounded by close friends, partners, boyfriends, girlfriends, and of course, our fag hags, the community has taken old family traditions and made the word “happy holiday” no longer an oxymoron.

For those who regard Thanksgiving as the warring pilgrim and Indian scenario, try spending Thanksgiving with a friend that has a warm, loving and accepting family. Making it through dinner without someone breaking out in tears or passing out face first in the bowl of mashed potatoes may feel a bit foreign at first, but Thanksgiving will never be the same afterwards.

Another great way to spend Thanksgiving is to volunteer in one of the many different soup kitchens and food pantries that are open during Thanksgiving. With so many people needing help this time of year, you begin to realize what’s really important. Just knowing you’re helping people and spending the day doing something positive may change your opinion about Thanksgiving.

And if you’re really brave, try inviting your family to your place this year. Once they see you in your environment, with a partner or just with close friends, they may some year return the invitation.