Frustrated in San Marcos

Dear Frustrated:

New Year’s resolutions rarely work. Nothing “magically” changes just because it’s a new year. A new year means nothing. It’s just another day, another week, another month, etc. If we want things to change, WE need to take action and create the change. If we want a new job/boyfriend/whatever but we avoid taking responsibility for ourselves, we might as well expect to win the Lottery to pay our rent next month (the odds are about the same).

In my work with clients, I’ve noticed that their New Year’s resolutions don’t work for three core reasons: (1) they aren’t willing to do the work to make the changes happen, (2) they try to make the changes too suddenly, or (3) they try to change too many things at once. Let’s look at these one-by-one.

(1) If you aren’t willing to do the work what do you think will happen? Likely, nothing! To paraphrase a 12-step slogan: “If you do the same old stuff, you’ll get the same old results.” New results require new thoughts, actions, speech and intentions.

I suggest that before making any resolutions, look past the obvious and dig deeper. If you want a boyfriend, what for? If it’s to stop feeling lonely, then a boyfriend may not fix your problem. Your loneliness is the real problem. If you think you need a new job, what for? Do you want to leave your current job because you find some of the people difficult? Guess what? There will probably be difficult people at every job. Rather than running away (again), you might set the intention to learn how to deal with difficult people. See what I mean about digging deeper? I had a client who once told me he wanted to look like Brad Pitt. I asked him why. He said, “Because then I’ll feel handsome and strong and sexy and confident.” I suggested we work on how he can feel that way without looking like Brad Pitt. I helped him identify and remove what blocked him from feeling sexy, confident, strong and handsome.

Often, what we want is a mental state – peace of mind, joy, happiness, confidence – and we mistakenly think it will come from “getting” something like a new job, boyfriend, car, etc. Material things are pleasant, but they don’t bring a change in how you feel about yourself.

(2) If you try to make the changes too suddenly you’re dooming yourself to fail. If you’ve spent 24 years feeling like you’re stupid or ugly, do you expect that a new year is going to change that? When my clients want to take on big psychological “makeovers,” I encourage them to take it slowly. Remember Oprah and her Slim-Fast Diet? How she dropped the weight really fast and looked great for a few weeks, but she couldn’t sustain it? We can’t sustain major change either when we try to do it “dramatically” and quickly: It’s evolution, not revolution.

(3) If you try to change too many things at once it’s doubtful you’ll be successful with any of them. I encourage my clients to make a list of all the things that bother them and to rate these problems (on a scale of 1 to 10) by how much pain each one brings them. For example, “I hate my job” is a 7, “I feel so lonely” is a 9, “I don’t like my body” is a 3. We start to work on the most painful stuff first and we focus on one problem at a time, breaking it down into small, doable action steps.

Any “big” problem can be broken down into a series of smaller, easily solved problems, so that change can occur one step at a time.

Want a suggestion for a radical New Year’s resolution? Here’s mine: Be kinder to yourself in 2005. This may sound all pink and fluffy, but look deeper. Most of us have belittled ourselves and told ourselves we were too lazy or stupid to change, and has this ever gotten us where we wanted? Hell, no! This isn’t the way to do it. This New Year’s Eve, make a list of all the ways that you can be kinder to yourself in 2005. I guarantee you that by being kinder to yourself in the coming year, any change you make will come more quickly, easily and painlessly.

Have a happy, kinder, New Year!