Dear Michael:

I have this incredible crush on a guy from my gym. He is one of the most gorgeous guys in town. I am a 45-year-old man harboring a schoolgirl crush. You know why: because he walked by and said “hi” to me. I could never get in a relationship or have a sexual experience with someone who looks like him, because I know I would end up “the dumped older gay man”, similar to what happened five years ago when I dated a man much better looking and 11 years younger than myself.

Was this guy from the gym just being friendly? We have not spoken, but because of him, I go to the gym much more often. Why am I so fascinated with this much younger man and what should I do about it?

Bewitched, bothered and bewildered in Bonita

Dear Frustrated:

It is challenging being a mid-life gay male (I’m 51 myself), especially when the current gay ideal (as shown in most of the ads in gay media) seems to be a 24-year-old muscular, eight-packed white male who shaves his face, chest and armpits. If you believe that this is the epitome of homo handsomeness, it may be hard to find anyone in their 40s, 50s or older who fits your image of desirability. Thank God for the leather, bear and other communities whose parameters of male beauty are more open-minded.

But let’s assume that you prefer men who look like Mr. Gym-Bunny. Have you ever asked yourself why? Have you ever wondered why younger guys are your preference (if they are)? For some of my clients, there is a factor of unavailability involved: it’s yet another version of “I only want what I can’t have”.

Are you an ageist? Do you find guys your own age or older unattractive? If so, what’s “wrong” with them? What do they lack? Poreless skin and a perfect booty may be pleasant, but what about personality, intelligence, sense of humor, kindness and patience born from experience?

Why do you see yourself as the “dumped older gay man”? You didn’t say where your relationship with the younger man went awry, but how and why did you get dumped? Could it have been because you chose someone who didn’t appreciate you and all your good qualities? Maybe it would take someone of wisdom, taste and experience to appreciate all you have to offer. And where are you likely to find that? I’m not saying younger men don’t have these qualities, but we’re more likely to find them in men who have lived, loved, laughed and are still here to tell us about it.

Why is your self-esteem so low? You seem shocked that Mr. Gym-Bunny even speaks to you. I wonder if you don’t see yourself as worthy, desirable or attractive. If you were my client, we would address this. Self-esteem should not be based on physical beauty, but on an inner appreciation of ourselves just as we are … instead of whether our pecs are perfect or not.

You wrote me that you are “fascinated with good-looking people”. Does this mean that you won’t give the time of day to people who aren’t? What about us average guys? Do we merit your consideration? Or do you just pass us by, while you focus only on younger, perfect physical specimens? Do you see where this is likely to take you?

I suggest you take a good look at why you are so fascinated with this much younger man and not do anything about it right away. You might use the above questions as a starting point to do a little digging into your psyche. Look at your past relationships, where they succeeded, failed, what types of men you’re attracted to and what types of men would appreciate you. It’s very “safe” to fall for men who are unavailable. They’re unlikely to stick around and really get to know you. The chance of any real connection or intimacy is pretty low.

Let me tell you about the kinds of men you should be afraid of, men who are really dangerous. The men who can make you quake in your boots are the ones who might stick around and really get to know you. These men might even want to meet your friends, your family and co-workers. They may even like you enough to hang in through your snoring, farting and morning-breath. These are truly dangerous men and should you be lucky enough to meet one … hold onto your hat, because you can go on quite a ride with a man like that.