Dear Devoted:

Recent psychological research – and my own years of experience as a GLBT psychotherapist – has found that many adult lesbian, gay and bisexual men and woman “knew” about their sexual orientation at a young age, in some cases as young as 5 or 6. I am not saying Evan is in this bunch, but it possible that he knows who he is and has clarity about it. This is not so unusual. Another possibility is that Evan is experiencing same-sex feelings for other males and that this may (and I repeat, may) eventually evolve into other sexual feelings, be they gay, bisexual or straight.

One of the more interesting aspects of recent research on sexuality is the idea of “fluidity” of sexual orientation. In my own private practice, more and more young people, particularly those in their late teens and early 20s, tell me that they feel their sexual identity is fluid, not fixed, e.g., a 19-year-old woman may currently prefer a female lover, but her previous lover may have been a straight or bisexual male. Perhaps younger people are less obsessed with labeling sexual orientation and more interested in experiencing it.

It is highly unlikely that Evan’s affection for his Aunt Susan and her partner have contributed to his self-proclaimed sexual orientation as a gay male. The vast majority of research shows that having a lesbian aunt could help Evan accept his homosexuality, but it would not be the cause of it. This is the sort of thinking that some reactionary religious groups have been promoting for years: that a young person can be converted into becoming gay, lesbian or bisexual. (Remember the “Ellen” episode where she joked that she gets a toaster oven for each person she converts? You don’t. Shame, it was a good one). Anyhow, the people around us can’t make us queer, but they can certainly make it easier or harder for us to come out if we are. As for the man-hating talk you suspect, I recommend you speak with Susan about it if it really concerns you. I wouldn’t ask Evan about it. That could put him in the middle of an issue that is really for you and Susan to address.

As far as therapy goes, I strongly recommend you consider therapy for yourself. It sounds like you are the person who is having a hard time dealing with Evan’s identifying as gay. Please get help for yourself and consider attending a PFLAG meeting (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays). They meet regularly throughout San Diego County. Look for their information in this publication or on the internet and locate the meeting nearest you. Whether Evan identifies as gay in the future or not, he identifies as gay now, so please get some support in coping with this. You could also go to the Obelisk Bookstore in Hillcrest and check out their excellent section for parents of gay, lesbian and bisexual children. You are not alone.

Therapy for Evan? Ask him if he would be interested in talking with a gay-friendly psychotherapist. If so, great. You can call The Center at (619) 692-2077 for psychotherapists who would be a good match for him. If Evan doesn’t want psychotherapy, don’t pressure him to do so. If you do, you may rupture the lines of communication you want to keep open. Remember dear Dad, you are the adult and Evan is the child. He needs you to be nurturing and rational. Please take good care of yourself so you can take care of him.

Love him for himself, whomever he loves – today, tomorrow and even 20 years from now. Your son needs a loving and supportive dad; don’t let him down.