Dear Insanely:

You are not alone. Jealousy seems to be a hot topic lately. So let’s address it. First off, is there any basis for your jealousy? There’s a big difference between being neurotic and being naïve. If you have reason not to trust Katrina, then that’s one thing. But your letter indicates that you have had this problem in other relationships, so it is likely your problem, not Katrina’s. You’re right about pushing her away. Imagine what it’s like for Katrina to be continually mistrusted and questioned. It would drive anyone away given enough time, frustration and invalidation. In fact, some people even rationalize, “well, she thinks I’m having an affair no matter what I tell her, so why not just go have one then. She’ll never believe I’m faithful, so why not?” (This happened to two of my clients. Their girlfriends got so fed up with their insane jealousy that they went out and proved them right).

Jealousy can be a kind of self-sabotage. Some people can’t accept a great partner because they don’t think they deserve one.

Jealousy can also manifest in issues of control. What some people call love is actually control. While it’s popular to label someone you don’t like a control queen, the truth is that we’re all control queens. What matters is the degree to which we need to control other people. Most people need to control because they’ve been in past situations where they had little or no control. So they overreact and want total control in the present. People may tell you to back off, but it’s easier said than done. Get to the source of your controlling behavior and take a good, hard look at it. You may want to talk with a therapist about your past, if you indeed lived through a very out-of-control time, particularly as a child. To free yourself and back off from Katrina, you may need to get to the guts of your jealousy.

Another possibility is that you aren’t comfortable being alone, so you desperately have to be with someone, and you can’t handle the idea that your special someone could ever leave you, so you cling on desperately while expecting her to leave you. You then create the very thing you fear: You expect Katrina to leave you and unless your behavior changes, she probably will. Who wouldn’t in her situation?

It’s your responsibility to find a way to live with yourself, regardless of what happens with Katrina or any other woman. Desperation is not a friend. It whispers neurotic thoughts in your mind and tells you to make crazy, tearful 2:00 a.m. phone calls and send accusing, angry emails you’re likely to regret the next day.

I often have clients (male and female) who smother their partners, making the partner’s life miserable. One client couldn’t give her partner any room to breathe, move or have a life of her own. When her partner wanted to have dinner with a friend, my client took it personally and felt rejected. My client used to be unable to reign in her paranoid thoughts. She would imagine her partner flirting with every woman in sight, and then she’d call her partner later that night (oh, say at about 1:00 or 2:00 a.m.) and grill her like an investigator on “CSI”. Yikes!

What to do? I helped her to control this kind of self-destructive behavior and get a grip on her paranoid, jealous feelings, and today (cue the strings), my client and her partner are happy (yes, they’re still together). Jealousy still rears its head now and then, but now my client has a repertoire of skills to keep that nasty ol’ demon under control.

And so can you, dear Miss Insanely Jealous. No one enjoys being jealous, neurotic, controlling or smothering, and it may seem like we can’t help it, but we can. Please take the above as a starting point to get to the root of your jealousy, and if you need more help, get yourself to a good psychotherapist.