Dear First timer:

Congratulations! One’s first “true-love” relationship is memorable, whether it lasts a few months or decades (I hope the latter for you). It does take a lot of work for two people to be a successful couple, and even more work when that couple is gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender.

In the big picture, heterosexuals have it easier. They draw enormous support, continuously and unconsciously, from existing political and social institutions, religion and their cultural history. It’s all set up for them. As queer people, our attempts to scale the political barrier to same-sex marriage (or legitimization of our commitment) have been met with nationwide opposition, despite brave leads from San Francisco, Massachusetts and other clear-thinking locales. We have to work harder to make our couples work. In addition, much of queer life is not very “couple-friendly”. For many gay and bi guys your age, queer life is about getting laid, looking good, partying, going out – it’s about men, men, men! This emphasis on self-pleasuring doesn’t align well with coupledom. Lucky for us here in San Diego, we have a lot of support for queer couples. In fact, many of my clients say it’s easier to live here if you’re part of a couple, and that single life here is harder.

Well, it’s different. I’m not about comparing the two. God knows (and she does) that each has its pros and cons, but why is it so hard to be part of a couple? In a committed gay relationship, by allowing your partner to get to know you intimately, you are inviting those less-than-lovely parts of yourself to come out loud and clear. You and he are opening a Pandora’s Box of previous unresolved life problems. And it is even more challenging for queer couples, because most therapists and research are aimed at hetero-couple’s therapy.

When two men (or two women, bisexual and transgender) commit to each other, the dynamics aren’t the same as the hetero model. I don’t have the space here to go into detail, but suffice it to say that we have unique needs. For example, a male-male couple may have problems with too strong a desire for a variety of sexual outlets and too weak a desire for vulnerability and intimacy. In hetero couples, the male and female stereotypes often play out. As queers, we are inventing our own genres of love and making up the rules as we go. If you have two men from Mars, who cleans up? Who is the more nurturing one? Who is the more career-oriented guy? Couples with two men, such as our letter writer and his partner, often experience more competition with each other than hetero couples do. Two men have a lot more chances to have sex outside the relationship than hetero couples. Don’t scream at me for these generalizations. They obviously don’t apply to everyone, but think about how queer couples are different from hetero couples.

As that commercial whirlwind known as Valentine’s Day has just passed, we may think (as heteros do) that being part of a couple is about sunsets on the beach and great sex by the fireplace, followed by hours of hugging, kissing… you know. While you may luck into this Hallmark card life now and then, being in a couple is more often like an ongoing cycle of war and peace. Conflict is inevitable. Arguing and disagreements are part of loving someone. Expect it. If you think otherwise, you’re deluding yourself, and you’ll run from relationship to relationship looking for the man (or woman) with whom you can be peaceful, calm and loving. Ha! Good luck finding him… the Dalai Lama isn’t available (and even he has moody days).

It is better to work with, hate and enjoy the continual changes in coupledom rather then to try and escape to some blissful illusion of a relationship that only exists in the movies (and seldom there, anymore). A truly loving relationship helps us to know ourselves, know our partner and be willing to spend time and energy to help each other grow to become the men (or women) we wish to be.