GLT » Anger: friend or foe?

commentary

Anger: friend or foe?

Published Thursday, 10-Mar-2005 in issue 898

Life beyond therapy

by Michael Kimmel

Dear Michael:

I am embarrassed to be writing to you, but so what? I am 21 years old, gay and angry all the time. The weird thing is, I don’t know exactly what I’m angry about. I’ve been out for three years now and I am okay with it, but my anger seems out of control. I blow up at everybody: in the car, with friends, with people at work. Some days, everything just pisses me off! My boyfriend told me I need anger management classes, because I’m always going off on him and he’s fed up. I think he’s right, but what exactly is anger management?

- Ready to explode in Hillcrest

Dear Ready:

When someone treats you badly, it’s natural and even healthy to feel angry. Instead of stifling your anger until it builds like a volcano eventually to explode, anger is a sign that you have needs that aren’t being met.

When you act out your anger, usually it’s you who suffers the most. You may yell at someone else, give the finger to another driver on the freeway, insult a colleague at work, but in the long run, it will come back to hurt you more than it will them. Out-of-control anger is destructive. Anger expressed responsibly is constructive and healthy.

Being able to responsibly express anger is part of being assertive. If you can’t assert your needs, wants or desires, you’re going to get frustrated, annoyed and angry. This doesn’t mean you’ll always get what you want.

When I work with clients on anger management, I help them figure out what to do with their anger, how to control it, and where it comes from. Anger management asks you to think, not react. Your thoughts create your emotional reaction, not vice-versa.

The next time you’re angry, think before you react. You could ask yourself: “What am I upset about? What need of mine is being ignored or denied? What do I want to be different, or how do I want to be treated?”

When you are clear on what you want, you can ask for it. You can let others know when you don’t like what they’re doing or saying to you.

“Anger management asks you to think, not react. Your thoughts create your emotional reaction, not vice-versa.”

However, if you’re angry almost all the time, this is different from situational anger. Chronic, ongoing anger is almost always a reaction to old stuff. It’s important to figure out where it comes from. This doesn’t mean that you blame your parents, teachers or whomever for past poor behavior. It means that you take responsibility for yourself by: (1) Admitting that you have valid reasons to be angry and (2) finding healthy outlets for that anger.

Usually, our nearest and dearest get the worst of our anger. This can destroy a good relationship, so it’s crucial to find other ways to channel your anger. Here are a few:

Get some intense physical exercise. Drop to the floor and do pushups until you’re exhausted. Then see how angry you feel. Run, jog, lift weights. It’s really hard to be angry when that endorphin high kicks in.

Uncensored writing that you don’t show to anyone can be a good release. Be as pissed off as you want to! It won’t hurt anyone (just don’t mail or email it).

Sometimes you need to talk about it with someone you trust. If the anger persists (beyond a few days), a therapist may be helpful in finding the cause of chronic anger.

Hit an inanimate object with your fists or a tennis racket. It’s a good physical release for anger. You can beat pillows, hit the bed or slug a punching bag.

Here’s what NOT to do:

Drink alcohol or take drugs. This lowers your impulse control and encourages you to explode. Domestic violence often involves alcohol or drug use.

Get in your car and drive. Sometimes driving can calm you down, but if you’re really angry, your ability to drive is impaired and you’re likely to get angrier when other drivers don’t vacate the freeways for you. Go for a walk instead.

Yell at people or “tell someone off.” You’ll feel better for, oh, about five seconds.

Anger can be an asset. It’s one way to let other people know where you stand. Anger clarifies what you think and feel. It can help you to identify the source of your conflicts with others.

Let’s be real. If your goal is to express your anger responsibly, in all conditions, at all times, good luck! No one I’ve ever met has pulled this off. But, it’s a good goal. In the long run, learning to manage your own anger is one of the best things you can do for you and, of course, your boyfriend will be happy too.

You can email your questions to San Diego psychotherapist Michael Kimmel at beyondtherapy@cox.net. To read more of Michael Kimmel’s columns, visit this column at www.gaylesbiantimes.com for a link to his website.

Send the story “Anger: friend or foe?”

E-mail Story

Print Story

Save to a social bookmarking site:

These icons link to social bookmarking sites where readers can share and discover new web pages.

Bookmark & Share Story