Dear Large and unhappy:

First off, I don’t like the word fat so I changed it to large. You pose challenging questions…a billion-dollar industry exists merely to answer them. But, I’ll give it my best shot here. I’ve got some questions for you:

What is a reasonable weight for you? Talk with a doctor you trust. Look at your family history. Is there a pattern there? Did you ever weigh what you thought you should? When? How long ago? When you started gaining weight/eating more, was there anything going on in your life that made you turn to food for comfort? Scary times can push us to eat things we don’t need, when we really want comfort, not calories.

Let’s look at your idea of “food as friend.” Food is nutrition. It is not a companion. Food is a vehicle, not a goal. Food is a sensory experience, not consolation for a lousy life. Your relationship with food is distorted. You can’t get free of a food addiction/dependence without asking yourself some very uncomfortable questions. For example, the next time you open the refrigerator or kitchen cabinet to get something to eat, stop and ask yourself, “What am I looking for here?” Are you bored, sad, depressed, lonely, angry? Food won’t help you. In fact, it can make you feel worse because it cannot fill your emotional needs. Food is not a good “best friend.” It is a substitute for a best friend, and a poor one at that.

It sounds like you are ignoring your needs for connection with other people. We all need friends to talk with, commiserate with, laugh with. You sound like you’ve given up on people and focused on objects to meet your emotional needs. Bad idea. It doesn’t work. Ask yourself: Am I afraid of people? Why don’t I have any friends? Take responsibility. You’re an adult, so don’t blame mommy or daddy or even that box of Oreos for isolating yourself with your books and Internet. If you can’t relate to people and don’t know why, get yourself to a good psychotherapist and get some help.

Why did you allow other gay men to “use me because I’m fat”? Since when does large equal masochistic? Do you think that being used is all you deserve? You’ve got some anger going on at your gay brothers for not finding you desirable as you are. Cop to this. While there may be men you haven’t yet met who would find you attractive just as you are, let’s be real: the gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and straight worlds (did I leave any out?) favor certain body types. Here in Southern California the standards are very high. Many of us queer San Diegans who feel “less than” in the body department would be considered perfectly fine in other parts of the country (like Ohio, where I hail from). We live in the capital of BodyNarcissism U.S.A. This puts a lot of pressure on us to look like magazine photos and, oh yes, we must never age. Many companies will happily sell us hair color, botox, liposuction, cosmetics and lots of other stuff to temporarily make us a little “younger looking.” Shades of Dorian Gray (don’t know who he is? visit your local library).

In summary, focus on your mental and physical health (they are permanently linked). Talk with a doctor (or two) that you trust. Work with a psychotherapist on your isolation and self-hatred. Find a weight you can maintain. You may be more of a sexy bear guy than a twink type. We queer guys need a Queen Latifah to do for us what she did for women, creating a new archetype: the sexy, smart, curvaceous woman – larger than the average movie star and twice as beautiful for it.

One “diet” book I like is The Only Diet There Is, by Sondra Ray. Its premise is that only dieting off negative thinking leads to long-term health and reasonable weight. Unless we change how we think, we’re unlikely to change our weight or health, and the result is yo-yo dieting that trashes our self-esteem. You sound like you’re ready to change your thinking, your health, your weight and how you relate to other gay men. Good luck.