Dear Confused,

You bring up two different but possibly related issues: self-esteem and childhood abuse. Let’s take them one at a time and then see how they could be linked. Self-esteem is how we “esteem” ourselves: what we think about ourselves. Obviously, no one thinks they are fabulous 24/7 (do they?), but, how do you feel about yourself most of the time? Do you usually think you’re OK, sometimes really good, other times not so great? If so, you’re normal. Most people have daily (hourly?) fluctuations in their self-esteem. What is harmful is when you rarely see the good in you, e.g., you don’t ever think you look good, act intelligently, are kind to others, have good qualities, etc. Could every single person who compliments you want something? Could they ALL be such liars? It sounds like you’ve got some “cognitive distortion” going on: your brain distorts the input it gets. For example, if someone at work says to you, “that was a great job you did on that project,” your brain distorts the praise and turns it into, “they just want something from me,” or “I’m not smart enough to do a great job on anything” – that’s cognitive distortion.

If your self-esteem is messed up because your brain won’t let good things in, you’ve got a problem. Luckily, it is one you can solve. I’d recommend that you start your change process by becoming aware that: (1) you turn compliments into crap, (2) you don’t trust what people say to you and (3) you think everyone wants something from you.

Once you see what you do, to change it usually involves some introspection. Ask yourself questions like: Have I always been this way? Was I ever able to trust people? Did I used to allow myself to receive praise from others?

Part of freeing yourself from past conditioning is to see where all this crap started. It helps to identify how the innocent, trusting child we all started out as somehow got turned around. For many of my psychotherapy clients, this is their “aha” moment: they see that something (or a series of events) happened and they changed who they were. They gave up being trusting and open; and replaced it with defenses to keep people out. This is what is known as the “adaptive self”: it’s what we did to survive, to get through tough times. However, it doesn’t serve us now to continue this way.

Now, about child abuse. The issue of child abuse and possible “false memory syndrome” is a controversial one. In my experience, ethical therapists do not suggest to clients that they were probably abused. If a client thinks they may have been abused, I will explore the possibility with them, whether they suspect they were emotionally, physically or sexually abused; but I will not suggest the idea. “False memory syndrome” looks at the possibility that psychotherapists can “plant” the idea of child abuse in the mind of their clients and that the clients “grab onto” the idea and embellish it, whether it actually happened or not. I’m not saying that this is what your therapist did with you. My advice is to use your healthy dose of skepticism and question anything that any therapist says to you that doesn’t seem true. It was your life: you were there. Trust yourself and your sense of what is true.

Poor self-esteem isn’t necessarily linked to child abuse. However, much research shows that when adults don’t remember large chunks of their childhood, there is usually a good reason. Often, our mind “protects” us against remembering something unpleasant or painful. Again, this doesn’t mean you were abused. It is likely, though, that something bad happened (you were made fun of by someone, your parents were divorcing, you had a crush on some cute guy at school and felt miserable because you couldn’t express it) and perhaps it’s too painful to remember. Whether you work with another psychotherapist or not, I encourage you to do some introspective detective work to see why your self-esteem may be so low, and if you want to look at possible child abuse in your past, then do so. If not, trust your instincts.