Dear Like:

What is “this kind of sex”? Do you mean anonymous sex, public sex or sex without condoms? Before jumping into that, I’d like to share with you my definition of good sex: good sex is physically healthy (no one seroconverts or gets STDs as a result) and psychologically healthy (all parties feel good about themselves, each other and life in general as a result of the mutual sex).

Obviously, good sex can happen anywhere: bathhouse, sex party, bedroom or back alley. That’s the good news. The bad news is that good sex isn’t so easy to find. Sure, you can get off, but is that good sex? Do you feel good about it? About yourself? Your sex partner? If so, then good for you. But, for many of my clients, anonymous sex isn’t very fulfilling. Sure, you get your rocks off, but often you feel lonelier and sadder than before.

Good sex involves your heart, head and dick. If your dick is the only part of you really involved, then don’t be surprised if you feel a release of tension and then a letdown. You may feel lonelier than ever… this is your heart and head saying, “Hey, why didn’t you let us in on this?”

Great sex is when your heart, head and dick are all excited, involved, aligned and you have what the BodyElectric (pioneers in gay male sexuality) calls “a full body orgasm” and renowned psychologist Wilhelm Reich called “orgastic potency.” This is sex at its best; it leaves us not only feeling in love with our partner(s) and with life, but also physically more alive than we were before. This is sex as a melting away of “you” and “me” and embracing “us.” Most of us have had a taste of this kind of sex, but it is hard to sustain (pun intended). Why? This kind of sex demands real intimacy and trust of both partners. You need to open your heart and your mind as well as your legs!

Reich insists that you can’t go there alone, that the best sex needs to be between two people whose hearts are open to each other, minds are secure enough to “surrender” to the other, and genitals are highly aroused. From attending BodyElectric workshops, I came away with the experience that while great sex with another person is wonderful, you can also have a full-body orgasm from conscious masturbation. I think Reich and BodyElectric are both right: great sex can take many forms.

Too much has been written about unsafe sex for me to have anything new to add. This publication had a terrific article (“Play, Party and Paranoia”) in the May 12 issue (you can find it on www.gaylesbiantimes .com). Unsafe sex, whether it’s related to drug use or not, is a choice we make. As I understand it, even HIV-positive men can still contract a different strain of HIV from another HIV-positive man, so we ALL need to use condoms with men whose HIV status we aren’t absolutely sure of. Rather than condemn people who don’t use condoms, it seems more helpful to use them ourselves and to encourage those we love to do the same. It’s great that the condoms were available at the sex party, so why didn’t everyone use them? Drugs? Alcohol? Denial? Your call.

If you want privacy during sex, you probably won’t get it when having sex at a sex party. Some men enjoy watching and being watched, some don’t. We’re all different; know yourself and take care of yourself so you can relax and enjoy good, safe sex.

I applaud you for being open to trying new experiences. I don’t have any judgments about sex parties, bathhouses, orgies, threesomes, etc. I tell my clients that it’s not about the place/situation that you have sex, it’s about the quality of the experience. Good sex is physically and mentally good for you and your partner(s) and great sex is something we can all aim for, as often as possible (OK, no more jokes, I promise).