Much to the frustration of my partner, I’ve never been too emotional about the marriage equality fight. Of course, I have always been an advocate for equal marriage rights for all LGBT people. That came from a larger fundamental belief that we deserve equal rights and equal access to the rights and responsibilities offered to all people. And I’ve always been willing to fight for the right of those who do wish to be married, and for the right of our youth to be able to hope for marriage in their future. It has been a matter of principle and the right thing to do.

But then there are those unexpected moments when the principle becomes a person, a heart, a life. The struggle somehow becomes more real and you feel it. Last Wednesday, it happened to me.

Sometime close to 7:00 or 8:00 p.m., many of The Center’s staff met together in an office to hear the state Assembly debate Assembly Bill 19, the measure that would have allowed same-sex couples to marry in California.

We finally heard Assemblymember Mark Leno introduce the bill, and a funny thing happened as he began to speak – I began to more fully realize that California stood on the very brink of making history. For the first time, maybe, a legislative body might pass an affirmative bill for equal marriage rights for same-sex couples.

I heard the speakers who rose in opposition saying things like, “The people already settled this issue by voting for Proposition 22” and “The people of the state don’t want gay marriage.” Blah, blah, blah. Then I heard the voice of Assemblymember Jackie Goldberg. “Mr. Speaker, I rise today in support,” she began, speaking in a very plain way – in a way that cut through all of the now-usual rhetoric about rights and equality.

Her words struck a deep, emotional chord.

She talked about her partner and their committed life together. She spoke of how much her relationship meant in her life – all the struggles, the hurdles, the joys and the successes. And then she told her colleagues that a vote in opposition was a vote to say that she, her partner, her family and her relationship were less than human, less dignified, less worthy of respect than their own.

There it was, in just three minutes, the simple and complete human truth of the issue. In three minutes, it became so clear to me. Our ability to marry is not about abstract principles; it is about the rights of people to love deeply and to have their most committed, soulful partnerships given the value that they deserve. It is about Jackie Goldberg and her partner, and so many others like them. It’s in those all-too-brief personal and human moments that the truth (without the endless spin) becomes so clear.

The marriage struggle is a struggle about our humanness, our dignity. Who among us does not remember the fear and trembling of our youth, as we hoped and prayed that our friends and families would understand, support and accept us and the people we loved? Who doesn’t remember Christine Kehoe, now a state Senator, entering the Assembly to be sworn in with her partner, Julie Warren, at her side? Who isn’t touched by the moments when one of us stands in the public arena and takes the risk of ridicule to make a statement about the person we love? These statements are about our most intimate commitments and deepest feelings – not about sex, who we sleep with, or anyone’s sexual orientation.

Unfortunately, this isn’t one of the stories with a fairy tale ending. Last week, 35 colleagues and honorable legislators looked right at their colleague, Jackie Goldberg, and voted “nay.” Saying, “No, you don’t deserve our respect. No, your relationship is not the equal of mine. No, you don’t deserve, and cannot have, equality.”

For anyone who has doubted the importance and centrality of the marriage struggle, I ask you to close your eyes and imagine the moment where you humbly and truthfully ask your friends, family and colleagues to finally recognize you, your life and your relationship by granting you the simple freedom to commit yourself to a person you love. And then, imagine the pain of watching 35 of them turn away and actually vote against you. You can feel the rage and the pain rise up and tears come to your eyes.

Some have said that the struggle for our chance to marry is the largest and most important civil rights struggle of our lifetime. I’ve said it. But now, more than ever, I understand what the stakes really are.

Next June, we will face an anti-equality amendment to the California Constitution, which would not only ban marriage for same-sex couples, but would also eliminate all the protections California domestic partners have access to through Assembly Bill 205. It’s a fight that will require our full effort; a fight about our human right to love, to have families, and to have our lives rendered worthy of the basic human dignity that equality provides.