The moment of truth is like the last second before the final gunfight in a spaghetti western: The comely server stares at me with her orbs of blue, I have the wine list filled with the usual suspects in my hand, my friends just finished another bottle of bubbly Bollinger – it is up to me to order the perfect wine for our food.

We are ready to have an absolutely fabulous dinner at our favorite French bistro. Eddie ordered the Canard, roasted duck with burnt-orange sauce. Patsy, as always, decided not to eat – she hasn’t eaten since 1977 – more wine, please. Saffron, after much pondering, decided on the Crevettes aux Tomates, black tiger shrimp in tomato-basil sauce. Bubbles picked the Chateau Sirloin Steak, grilled Angus beef with bordelaise sauce. I am having the Longe d’ Agneau, thyme-marinated lamb loin.

Now it is up to me to match the food with the wine. This moment causes much anxiety for many people, but I am the wine guy, so no problema. Food and wine is a pair like Batman and Robin, peanut butter and jelly; to the Taoist, the yin and yang. They are inseparable, an extension of each other’s experience.

But why do wine and food go so well together? One of the chief elements of wine besides flavor and alcohol is the acid. Acid is the life blood of wine – it gives it longevity. And when wine and food are consumed together, the acids in wine cleanse your palate, so as you progress in your meal, it is as if you’re tasting the first bite over and over again.

We know that food and wine is a loving couple. They’re like young lovers that always complement each other:

“God, are you hot.”

“You are so sweet!”

If I’m having spicy Kung Pao Chicken with Riesling, the contrast in flavors works. But what about all this business about red wine with red meat and white wine with white meat? It is a good rule of thumb, and it is right 90 percent of the time. However, if your friend orders fish and you order steak, what do you do?

There are wines that go with red and white meat and even tofu – they are light red wines like Pinot Noir and sparkling wines.

The body, the heaviness of wine, makes a great deal of difference when matching food and wine. Heavy foods are great with heavy wines like Cabernet Sauvignon, light foods with light wines like Pinot Grigio. Elaborate spiced foods go with complex wines and simple foods with cheaper wines. Don’t break out a bottle of ’97 Opus One with your frozen Red Barron pepperoni pizza. However, an inexpensive Chianti will be outstanding.

Hard cheeses and red sauces go with red wine; white sauces and soft cheeses go with white wine.

The dryness or sweetness of a wine creates another variation. Spicy and heavy foods are marvelous with sweet wines like Riesling and Gewürztraminer. Heavy meals like the traditional Thanksgiving bird are well coupled with a peppery California Zinfandel or a Petite Syrah. Dry wines like brut Champagne are smashing with dessert. But if you make a mistake and order Sauvignon Blanc with your prime rib, you are not going to be arrested by the big bad wine police.

I recently went to a Lava Cap wine dinner downtown at a famous Italian trattoria. Now, if you’re not familiar with Lava Cap wines, they are Godzilla wines – the reds are monstrous, so huge and thick you could spread them with a butter knife.

After a long spiel from the winery guy, with the Cabernet, Merlot, Zinfandel and giant peppery Petit Sirah came this delicate monk fish in white cream sauce. What a mismatch. The diners looked bewildered. I looked over my shoulder for the wicked wine police. But the acids in the wine made the meal work. Although it was not the ideal food-wine match, it was not an unpleasant experience.

There are yards-long charts and hundred-page pocket guides on food and wine pairings, but I am out having a good time with Patsy, Eddie and company, and I don’t need no stinking charts or pocket guides.

In coming up with my decision on which wine to match the food, both red and white meat in this case, an in-betweener would work. I look to see if the food is either spicy or sweet – such is not the case.

The server looks at me and smiles with her perfect teeth as I order the Louis Jadot Cru Beaujolais, Fleurie, a light, fruity red wine, and keep the bottles coming.