Dear D&C,

A “counselor” in a bathhouse. Wow, L.A. is really a progressive town! I don’t think we have any “counselors” in San Diego bathhouses (an untapped market?). Anyway, let’s look at your situation. Do you have a sex addiction? Let’s define our terms: An addiction is any behavior that habitually interferes with your well-being. It doesn’t help you to become any happier, it just gets in the way. This could be eating, gambling, shopping or even behaviors that are usually helpful, like working and exercising. Alcohol and drugs are “popular” addictions, but any behavior that “runs” us can be an addiction. For example: Does your need/desire for sex interfere with your life? Does it make you feel good about yourself and other people? Does it leave you happier when it’s over, or lonelier? Does it stoke your well-being or tear it down?

Some of my clients had (note the past tense) such strong addictions that they found themselves out in Balboa Park at 3:00 a.m. because they “had to have it” right there and then. They couldn’t ignore the desire for sex; it got them out of bed, dressed and over to the park where they cruised for a blow job (or more). Why did they want me to help them be free from such intense sexual desires? This kind of (addictive) behavior really screws up your life. The addiction has control of you, not vice-versa. You want to stay in bed and sleep, the addiction wants you down on your knees in front of some guy. Guess who wins?

If you think you have a sex addiction, here are some questions to ask yourself:

1. Is it OK with me if I don’t have sex for periods of time?

2. Do I panic when I think that I might not have sex today/tonight/this week?

3. Do I need to have sex or is a choice, e.g., can I take it or leave it?

4. Do I actively seek out sex? If so, do I spend large amounts of time doing so?

5. Can I turn down sex or do I have it any time/anywhere I can get it?

6. Do I obsess about sex? If so, does such obsessive thinking interfere with my job, being with friends, social activities, etc.?

7. Do I put myself at risk as a result of my sexual activities, e.g., getting arrested for public sex, losing my gym membership for having sex in the gym’s steam room/sauna, having unsafe sex, frequently inviting people I don’t know into my home for sex?

Like any other addiction, there are groups and individual therapy to help you get back in control of your sex life (and not vice-versa). You can Google “sex addiction” and choose from a lot of options, or you can call (619) 685-7211 to find out about local meetings of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. Visit this column online at www.gaylesbiantimes.com for a link to their Web site. SLAA uses a 12-step model to help people who have sex addictions. Their meetings are free and visitors/guests are not allowed. You can also find queer-friendly therapists who can help you with sexual addictions. Call The Center at (610) 260-6380 ext. 105 for referrals.

Let me be clear here: loving sex and enjoying it on a regular basis does not mean you have a sex addiction… and no activity is in itself addictive. It is we who become addicted to the behavior. I consider myself a sex-positive psychotherapist, but for many of my clients, sexually addictive behavior interferes with their ability to be happy, healthy and well-adjusted. Sex can be a glorious, joyful and life-enhancing experience, or it can be like being caught in an endless loop where “there is never enough” and we’re trying to fill a seemingly empty hole inside of ourselves by having sex with anyone we can, anytime, any place.