Dear Stuck:

After reading your letter, I found it so ironic that many gay men find “straight-acting” gay men terrifically attractive (ever read the online personal ads?) and yet you yearn for more. I would imagine your lack of a gay style gene hasn’t hurt your gay love life! And I agree with you about Carson, he dresses like Dolly Parton. So there you are, somewhere in the middle between two extremes: no style (a.k.a. “straightsville” style) and extreme style (Carson style).

Let’s look at the areas you want help with. It’s not hard to get fashion help and polish up your visuals. You may have friends who would love to help you out. Don’t be shy; ask for their help. Another alternative to dressing yourself are personal shoppers. Contrary to popular belief, they are free at big stores like Nordstrom and Macys. However, I personally recommend that first you check out local gay-owned/operated men’s clothing stores in Hillcrest, like Martin and Wall or Splash H2O (both on University Avenue). These stores are small, gay-owned and very friendly: The staff there will help you put yourself together and you’ll be circulating your hard-earned gay dollars back into our community. (Hint: Gay style means having great underwear… even straight guys are picking up on that one.)

A messy house may be more about depression and feeling overwhelmed than about style. “I just don’t care” can be about casual living, or about giving up because it all seems too much. Casual living isn’t so sloppy that it’s gross and unsanitary, but everyone has their own idea of “messy.” If you can’t find things and don’t have clean clothes, good food to eat, etc., then your home isn’t working for you, it’s working against you. This isn’t about having a “gay” home, it’s about having a home you enjoy and that is a comfort to you. If you hate to clean and you can afford not to, consider hiring someone to help you. Ask around and see who has a good cleaning person. You can also find people to help you organize your home (look for ads in the GLT or Google “home organizers”).

If you’re a slob because you’re depressed, that’s another story. Sit yourself down and take a good look at yourself: If you’re lethargic, don’t care about much and don’t enjoy things like you used to, you may be depressed. Talk with a good friend, mentor or counselor if you are. Casual is a lifestyle choice; chaotic and dirty, however, is a problem. Get some help with it.

In general, Mr. Straightsville, are you happy the way you are or do you want to know more about fashion, art and gay culture? If you’re content with not knowing Versace from Van Gogh, then don’t sweat it. There is no one way to be gay… you can be super butch and decorate with leather and denim, or you can fill your home with floral challis (look it up) and pretty pillows. It sounds to me like you want to learn more, to improve yourself and expand your knowledge base – to try on a bit of “gay” sophistication. Have you considered taking a class in a subject that interests you, be it film, music, dance, art, whatever? Remember, no one starts out fabulous and sophisticated; we all had to learn it… and so can you!

Whether it’s psychotherapy or interior design, the most important thing about changing yourself and your life is that it is a change that you truly want, not one that you feel pressured into by friends or magazine ads. People who want to sell you stuff won’t tell you this, but, honey, there is no gay style. As gay men, we are all our own people and each of us spends our energies on things that feel right to us. What you wear, how you spend your time, your interests, hobbies and passions are uniquely yours. If you aren’t happy the way you are, then by all means go for transformation. But, if you are basically happy and are comparing yourself with others around you and finding yourself lacking, then maybe your lesson is to trust yourself, your taste and your preferences. The only right way to be is what makes you happy… and no amount of money or clothes or classes can take you there.