When I kick the bucket, I want to kick an ice bucket with an empty bottle of excellent bubbly, because I get a kick out of champagne. And when they pry the shining crystal champagne flute from my dead fingers, the undertaker will notice the smile on my face and realize that I already know heaven because I drank champagne on earth.

Champagne is simply the drink of the gods. More songs have been written about champagne than about any other beverage, because we love champagne and champagne is about love. Champagne is a ménages a trois between three grapes: chardonnay, pinot noir and pinot meunier. These are the basic Burgundian grapes that make such famous wines as Meursault (chardonnay) and Pommard (pinot noir), but in the colder northern latitudes of France, like Champagne, they produce thin wines that are low in alcohol, and that’s when the bubbles kick in.

During fermentation, yeast turns grape sugar into alcohol, but it also produces heat and carbon dioxide (co2). Capturing that co2 in the bottle is what sparkling wines are all about, because the co2 makes wines bubbly. And with wines low in alcohol, co2 gives wines that extra boost – champagne is absorbed into your system quicker – and that is the kick of champagne.

The alcohol actually rides on the bubbles like a cowboy on a bucking bronco. Sparkling wines are made in two basic ways: like soda pop in a big vat, or fermented in the bottle the traditional way, like the way they make Dom Perignon. Dom is better than Mountain Dew.

Champagne is gauged by sweetness. The most common grades are from the driest to the sweetest: brut, extra dry and demi-sec. Champagne is also pink. Known as brut rose and blanc de noir, these wines use almost exclusively red grapes like pinot noir or its cousin pinot meunier. Remember Wine 101: All grape juice is white, and contact with the skins makes wine red or pink, so brief contact with grape skins creates rose.

Champagne is also non-vintage and vintage. Non-vintage wines are a mixture of wines from different years. This is done to create a house style, very much like how Budweiser tastes the same year in and year out. There are variations in vintages and this is why good vintage champagne is popular and expensive – they go beyond the house style.

A very important element of all sparkling wines is the mousse, the bubbles in champagne. Some sparkling wines have a light mousse like Mumms and some have a heavier mousse like Moët & Chandon. The advocates of the lighter style feel that excessive carbonation interferes with the taste of the wine. I say BS – champagne is all about the bubbles, and if you don’t like carbonation, drink burgundy.

Temperature is everything when it comes to sparkling wines. A rule of thumb: The cheaper champagne should served under 40 degrees, the more expensive about 45 degrees. Use an ice bucket with ice water, and when opening champagne hold it away from your mug or you’ll poke your eye out – the cork is under a lot of pressure and flies out at speeds close to a 747 jet. Remove the cage, use a towel, and twist the bottle, not the cork. Have champagne flutes ready in case the wine foams up, and please don’t drink out of the bottle, use the glasses.

Champagne has always been about celebration, gaiety and romance. Why is so little champagne consumed in the good old U.S.A.? Many drinkers’ first exposure to sparkling wines is a poor one: bad bubbly at a wedding – sickeningly sweet California champagne followed by a slice of wedding cake, which contains a pound of sugar. Get me the Advil! Most cheap soda pop champagne is rot gut wine that is carbonated. When you get hitched think of spending a least a few bucks on the champagne unless you want to make everyone in your wedding party sick. The next culprit is the champagne brunch: same revolting champagne but with greasy eggs instead.

When you go to your local wine retailer to buy champagne, you will see a sea of selections. Like with chardonnay, most of the choices are bad. If you have just about $10 to spend, buy a Spanish cava – they’re made like real champagne, using native varietals with decent results. The best brands are Segura Viudas, Paul Chenau and Cristalino.

If you want to spend under $25, pick a non-vintage California sparkling wine like Gloria Ferrer, Domaine Chandon, J and Roederer Estate.

The best champagnes are a familiar group of usual suspects: Laurent-Perrier, Pommery, Pol-Roger and Charles Heidsieck. And the classic are Moët & Chandon, Dom Perignon, Pommery Louise, Veuve Clicquot-Ponsardin La Grande Dame and Roederer Cristal. My favorite is Laurent-Perrier brut rose – remember that this Christmas.