Physical or Mental

Dear POM:

Control and being able to let go of it plays a big role in a fulfilling sex life. People laugh at the label of “control queen,” but, really, all of us are control queens to some degree or another. It’s interesting to think about issues of control when it comes to sex. Most of my clients have found that to have an orgasm from a blow job, they need to be able to relax and allow their partner to be in control. This requires trust in your partner and in yourself, yet another good reason to find one (or a few) good, faithful and dependable sex partner(s): people that you can learn to trust, please, relax with and vice-versa. It can be difficult to be relaxed and confident when having anonymous sex… you don’t know him, he doesn’t know you, you don’t know what each other likes, dislikes, etc. This isn’t about monogamy, it’s about good sex.

Let’s talk about the “mental” part of sex and how it’s different for every person. For some people, anonymous sex is exciting. For other people, they can’t have great sex unless they really know their partner. How do you get the mind and body in sync? Start by focusing on yourself and not on what other people are doing. What other people do in porn videos, magazine articles and erotica may not be what works for you. Homo sex comes in more flavors than Baskin-Robbins (they have only 31), so be inventive.

For example, if you want to have an orgasm from a blow job, experiment with what makes you excited…both mentally and physically. Are there fantasies or scenarios that turn you on? Have you tried them out when masturbating? With a partner? This is the mental piece.

The physical piece involves knowing what your body likes. Everyone has their own sensitive spots (no names please) and responds to different movements, touches, pressures and sensations… and this can be a lot of fun to learn. Workshops like the Body Electric’s Celebrating the Body Erotic can teach you different ways to touch, stroke and hold someone so that you can experiment with new things and notice what feels good to you. This isn’t rocket science, it’s simple experimentation and exploration.

Let your curiosity out of the bag and try things. Whether you’re alone or have a partner, you can experience new things. Yeah, it may be uncomfortable at first, or you feel awkward, or even foolish or guilty (hello, Mom and Dad!), but don’t let the past keep you stuck in the missionary position (or whatever it is you usually do). Even changing the hand you masturbate with will change your experience. Have you tried different lotions, music, incense, visual stimuli, places in your home to have sex?

You mention an obligation to please others in sex. This can be a good thing, but not if it excludes pleasing yourself. You’ve got to balance it out, my friend. Usually, if it’s all about the other guy, then you probably don’t think a whole helluva lot of yourself. Not feeling worthy of “someone showering me with attention” speaks of a lack of self-esteem. Take a look at what stops you from getting some (not all) of your needs met. If it’s a co-dependent thing (“Oh, that’s OK, don’t worry about me… I’m fine”), then face up to it and check out Melody Beatty’s Codependent No More (a classic and easy read).

In summary, it sounds like what you’re missing is: (1) trusting your partner and yourself, (2) pleasing yourself and (3) feeling worthy of attention. Work on these and watch your sex life explode. Good luck and have fun trying!