Small town boy in the Big City

Dear Readers,

I get more letters from people who are “new in town and lonely” than anyone else, so this must be an ongoing problem for a lot of us. (I also get lots of letters from “been here for years and still lonely,” but that’s another column!)

It’s hard to move somewhere new and get to know people, so know that you’re not alone in finding this difficult. I love the irony that people who move here from bigger cities (like L.A.) and from smaller towns all find San Diego puzzling. What does that say about us? Let’s look at what the letter writers have in common: Mr. L.A. says we’re too shy here, and Mr. Michigan says that we’re not very friendly. I think they’re both saying the same thing: It’s hard to meet new people because most of us are afraid. Fear can appear as shyness and avoidance, and also as arrogance and seeming “stuck up.” I think both letter-writers are having the same problem: How can I connect on a meaningful level with other guys?

Moving to a new place is disorienting and scary. You probably will need some time to “fit in.” For many of my clients, it took them at least a year to get “comfortable” with San Diego. So, dear newcomers, lower your expectations of us and of yourselves. Give yourself time to get out into this beautiful city and get to know us. We are as diverse as you could possibly imagine. There isn’t a San Diego “type” of personality, but there are many, many subcultures here, and each group of people you connect with will have its own ways of doing things, hanging out, socializing, flirting, dating, etc. For this reason, I strongly encourage you to get out of the house and meet people – lots of people. In some ways, it’s a numbers game. The more people you meet, the more likely you are to connect with people you like. Once you’ve been here a while, you can stay home and hang out with your homies, but when you’re new in town, get yourself out and explore your new town. You may need to do it alone for awhile, so go ahead and be a tourist, have fun, drive around and check out places, people, beaches, parks, stores, clubs, restaurants, etc. Explore a variety of places to meet people. Make an inventory of your interests. What do you like to do? Start doing it. You probably won’t be doing it alone for long. How do you like to spend your time when you’re not at work? Try things, go places, show up at concerts, lectures, community meetings. The Center has a wide variety of programs – usually several activities a day. Many are free. Check them out.

Faithful readers of this column know that I am a big advocate of volunteer work as one of the best ways to connect with like-minded people. Plus, check out this newspaper (online or newsstand copy) every Thursday! The GLT is full of listings for GLBT events, activities, lectures, concerts, sport teams and other activities.

I think that the hardest part of being new in town is feeling lonely and isolated. So it’s crucial to get your butt off the sofa, put down the remote and leave your comfort zone. Whether you’re a native San Diegan or just off the bus from Los Angeles (or Michigan), we’re all in the same boat. We all want to be loved, liked and admired… and we’re all scared shitless of being rejected and unloved. So, dear newcomers, cut yourself (and us) some slack, and eventually you’ll be as shy and charming – or as bold and friendly – as a native!