Dear Bored:

Did you ever see that Marilyn Monroe movie The Seven Year Itch? It was about the idea that (straight) men get bored with their wives after seven years, and may look for a new woman to revive their faltering libido. For us gay guys, a more appropriate title to describe our relationships may be “the three year itch.”

As a therapist for gay men and gay couples, I have noticed a pattern: After about three years together, many gay couples hit a wall called “boredom.” It often manifests in sexual boredom, but it can show up in other ways too: letting yourself go (gaining weight, not exercising, eating poorly), letting your social life (with your partner and on your own) become almost non-existent, becoming bored with yourself, your life, your job, and taking your partner for granted.

This can be a time when gay couples start to consider “open” relationships or begin to develop fantasy lives that involve other men. Why? The glitter has worn off. You know too much about him to harbor any illusions. You’ve seen each other at your worst and probably had three years of ups and downs, stony silences and angry arguments. While this is the cement of real intimacy, it is death to illusions of romantic love. Notice that I said “illusions” of romantic love.

Love is a lot of work. Falling in love is just that: falling. Staying in love is about staying – with your man through thick and thin, through anger, jealousy, mistrust and disappointment as well as all the good stuff like affection, closeness, security, comfort, reliability and steel-belted radial tires.

What can we do about the boredom? Boredom is fear in disguise. What are we afraid of? That our lives aren’t enough, that we are not enough, nor is our partner. Boredom is the engine behind that little voice at the back of your mind that says, “You know what? You made a mistake… and look what you’ve got now.” This voice says, “Dump him and get someone more exciting, intelligent, funny – whatever – and you’ll be a lot happier.”

Fear is the voice of the three year itch. “You did it wrong,” it says, “look how everyone else is much happier and more in love than you are. Get out of this relationship and move on to someone better.” It’s an interesting idea: this continual search for someone better (some people call it “the search for my soul mate” – sound familiar?). But this ideal relationship is an illusion. Every new lover eventually becomes familiar. Newness masks fear. It’s like when you buy something new because you’re scared or lonely or bored. It cheers you up, right? For about five minutes. Then the fear comes back. Relationships are the same. A new man may make you happy, for about five months, but every man will fall off his pedestal when the glitter wears off and his burps, farts and heavy baggage inevitably make their appearance. You can keep running (tiring) or become a monk or nun (boring wardrobe) or face the music and dance… with your man.

Consider these lines by Rainer Maria Rilke: “Those who love must act as if they have a great work to accomplish. They must be much alone and go into themselves; gather and concentrate themselves. They must work. They must become something. For the more we are, the richer everything we experience is, and those who want to have a deep love in their lives must collect and save for it….”

The three year itch is just one manifestation of the kinds of obstacles that stand in our way of really loving our man, for better and for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer. I encourage you to not allow fear (manifesting as boredom) to sabotage your relationship. Most relationships go through these “boring” times, and they are usually temporary. Once you get through them, the intimacy between you and your man can be beyond your wildest dreams. No kidding! But you gotta hang in there and do the work to get the reward.