Dear Y&SC:

First of all, I think it’s great that both of you e-mailed me – as a couple – with your questions. It sounds like you’re just at the beginning of your relationship and are still getting to know each other. If you were my clients, I’d have some questions for both of you: What is your intention for your relationship? Is it to have fun, share great sex, deepen an emotional connection, see if you two could be life partners? It could be helpful for the two of you to figure out what it is that you want from each other before you address the open relationship issue. Once you do, ask yourselves (and each other), “What would be the purpose of an open relationship for us? What would be the purpose of monogamy?” and “What are the pros and cons of each?”

For most couples, this is neither an easy discussion, nor a superficial one. It gets to the heart of any relationship, and usually brings up more questions like: Why are we together, anyway? What role does sex play in our relationship? Do I see myself as a monogamous guy (or not)?

Many gay couples I’ve worked with handle an open relationship best once their relationship is “solid.” Typically, the first year or two (or more) of the relationship is monogamous, enabling the two men to really get to know each other and form a strong foundation for their life together. This can be a challenging time to have an open relationship, because you really don’t know each other that well yet: Why should you go off with other guys when your main man is still an unknown?

From my counseling experience, I’ve seen that many long-term gay relationships are “open,” or go through “open” periods from time-to-time. In a long-term relationship, sex over time often becomes predictable. Depending on the value that the partners place on sex, this may or may not be a problem. Some people like consistency and the comfort of consistency in bed (e.g., I know what you like and you know what turns me on), while others thrive on change and creativity. You needn’t give up monogamy to be spontaneous and creative (In fact, I encourage you not to), but an open sexual relationship can be stimulating and invigorating for a long-term committed relationship.

Problems with open relationships include:

Jealousy and insecurity: Are you okay with watching him/imagining him with another man? Can you avoid comparing yourself with the other guy(s) he’s with?

One person wants an open relationship more than the other: It’s unusual for both people to want it equally or to want it the same way. How do you negotiate the way you’ll have sex outside your relationship? Do you need to have “rules” you abide by?

Possibly falling in love (or lust) with someone else: How can you make sure the sex is just for fun and doesn’t have the potential to wreck your relationship?

Less sexual intimacy may lead to less emotional intimacy, also weakening the relationship. Emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy are strongly aligned for many men. You may become less close to your partner as your sexual intimacy decreases.

On the other hand, as gay men, many of us really enjoy sex, and sex with only one person for the rest of our lives may not be fulfilling. Here are some typical problems with long-term monogamy:

Boredom/predictability: Is it really realistic to only have sex with one man for the rest of your life, or even for the rest of this year/month/week?

Incompatible sexual desires: For example, you’re both tops; one of you likes anal sex and the other doesn’t; you like wild, animal-like sex and he likes it tender and gentle.

Incompatible libidos: You want to do it once a day minimum and he’s happy with once a month.

This is a question with no right answer, save the one that the two of you come up with. Discuss it, consider my questions and make your decision. Relax, nothing is irreversible. You can always shift as your relationship changes over time. Good luck!