Formerly handsome and happy

Dear Formerly:

Midlife crises shake up our lives for better and for worse, but – surprisingly – the biggest mistake is not having one at all. A midlife crisis is a time of intense growth and dramatic life changes that are both exciting and terrifying. The “crisis” usually occurs between our late 30s and early 50s, so you’re right on track!

How do you know you’re having a midlife crisis? Typically, you’ll realize that the values that have guided you for many years no longer work. Most midlife crises are triggered by introspection, events like a death or a relationship ending, unhappiness with physical aging and/or money or career concerns.

For many gay men, physical aging hits us hard about this time. As one client told me, “What will I do when I’m not young and cute any more?” Unlike celebrities and movie stars, most normal people visibly age. More importantly, we psychologically age. This is also known as becoming “wiser,” and it’s a good thing. Wisdom, however, has a way of pulling the rug out from under our youthful illusions (“I’m going to be famous in my field” or “Once I find my soul mate, everything will be perfect”.) Few of us manage to manifest all the dreams of our 20s and 30s, and when we do, the money or the success or the husband rarely measure up to our idealistic standards.

As enlightened GLBTers, most of us have looked at our own racism and homophobia, but let’s look at a more subtle form of discrimination and self-hatred: ageism. Straight and gay media lovingly promote the high-priced anti-aging products of their advertisers. They are unlikely to encourage us to love ourselves just as we are. Instead, we are brainwashed to think we are barely acceptable if we hide or eliminate our gray hair, receding hairlines, love handles and wrinkled skin. Happy, secure gay men won’t buy overpriced anti-aging products; but scared and desperate men will.

As gay men, how can we escape the self-hatred of ageism? First off, be willing to identify old parts of yourself that you’ve suppressed. Those needs and desires can be very important for us midlife gay men as we set the foundation for the second half of our life. Ask yourself: What do I really care about? What do I want to spend my energy on? We are a generation of gay men who (in general) are better educated, healthier and more affluent than our forefathers. We may live for another 40 or 50 years. But, as one of my 40-something clients recently asked me, “What am I gonna do with all that time?”

I experienced my own midlife crisis in 1994 (at age 41) when a long-term relationship ended and I found myself unhappy in my job and newly single life. While it was a time of great potential, it was also scary as hell. As a result of this midlife “crisis,” I found a good therapist, quit my job, dated a lot and went back to college. It was quite an upheaval (I moved from L.A. to San Francisco with no job, no man and few friends), but I doubt I would have changed my life so dramatically if I wasn’t “forced” to.

Some of us, in midlife crisis, go through a period of reckless behavior. Men in monogamous relationships sometimes have affairs and long-term relationships may end (as mine did). You can get angry over a stagnant career or relationship, but watch out for self-sabotaging behavior, like bareback sex, heavy drinking or drug use. Instead, use the excitement of new possibilities productively, rather than recklessly: Try things that make you uncomfortable, like learning a new sport, going to social gatherings and starting conversations (rather than waiting for people to come to you), volunteering (you may have a lot of time on your hands now) and even going back to school to switch careers.

At times like these, I advise clients to lean on their friends and family. These folks can be your rock as you begin to change your life; don’t leave them behind, you need them now more than ever. Ask them for support, call them when you get scared and hang with them when you need some comfort.

It’s OK to be scared, but don’t wallow in self-pity. When you ask, “Who’s going to want me now?” the answer needs to be: “I do.” If you don’t want to be with yourself, who else would want to be with you?