I was summoned to the North Pole on Christmas Eve to visit Santa, all the while hoping that Santa is the forgiving type and doesn’t remember when I was 5 years old and I got a little too nervous and wet Santa’s knee. When I arrived, I was told by an elf to wait for Mrs. Claus outside Santa’s office.

I sat there twiddling my thumbs for awhile, until a gingerbread door opened and out stepped Mrs. Claus – not your kindly smiling grandma, but a beautiful young blonde with a baby doll face and the bluest eyes I’d ever seen. She was wearing a variation of Santa’s red suit, only tight and skimpy. Mrs. Claus had a figure that would make Jessica Rabbit green with envy.

She introduced herself as Robin Claus and showed me into Santa’s office. I had to wonder what happened to the old Mrs. Claus. Robin Claus excused herself and said she would fix lunch for us and would join us in a little while.

Santa looked just like the Coke ads – white bear, red suit and all. He noticed the puzzled look on my face and, reading my thoughts, took a long drag from his pipe and said: “I see you met Robin, and you may be wondering what happened to old Mrs. Claus. Well, she ran away with Frosty the Snow Man. It seems that old Kris Kringle isn’t rollie-pollie enough for her.” He smiled and added, “But she’ll regret this one hot July day.”

Mrs. Hottie Claus returned with two plates for us, with three gingerbread cookies, four green sugar cookies shaped like Christmas trees, a half-dozen gumdrops and a couple of candy canes on each. Dig in, Santa told me, so I started my “sugar lunch.”

Santa then got down to business: “All right, Frankie, I know a lot of big kids believe in Santa, and they don’t want toys, they want wine and liquor. What do you suggest I get them?”

“Well,” I reasoned, “you have to know your big kids: What do they like to drink? You have to ask a few questions or snoop around their house to see what they like. When you find out, for example, that Billy likes $10 cabernet sauvignon, go to your local wine shop and find a cabernet $5 to $10 more than what Billy usually spends. That’ll make the gift special.

“If you make gift baskets, remember that white wine goes with soft cheeses and red wine goes with hard and spicy cheeses,” I continued. “Olives, crackers and chocolate also go well in a gift basket.”

I explained to Santa that the best wine gift of all is champagne, because you always know that it will be consumed on Christmas Day or on New Year’s Eve. A lot of champagne comes in gift boxes, and some of them even come with champagne flutes to drink it out of. I suggested using a champagne bucket as a gift basket. “It’s good to remember that champagne goes with virtually any food,” I added.

“But what about the big kids who like booze?” Santa asked with a wink.

“The same idea as with the wine,” I sagely explained. “Give Jimmy a little better bottle of liquor than he would normally buy for himself. During the holidays liquor companies always have colorful gift boxes that include a bottle of their booze and a couple of glasses. The glasses are the freebies, and the boxes are easy for little elf fingers to wrap.”

I thought about it a bit more, and told him that the holidays are more about entertaining well with family, friends and lovers; that the holidays mean more than just gift giving. “It’s a time to be merry,” I said. “Just a few minor touches can add immeasurably to your holiday fun. Add a little peppermint schnapps to your hot coco or splash some Chambord into the champagne. Enjoy some cognac or port by the fireplace. Try to make your mix drinks with fresh ingredients instead of with mixes, and nothing beats homemade eggnog with real cognac and quality rum. Every good home should have a good bartender guide book, too – it adds so much to the quality of the entertainment.”

But what about for the big holiday dinner, he asked. I told him that Gewürztraminer, pinot noir and pinot blanc are my choices for turkey, and if you’re having ham, your best bets are Riesling, merlot and syrah. If you’re having steak, cabernet sauvignon and zinfandel will complement it well, I added.

As suddenly as it began, my audience with St. Nick was over, and he gave me a ride home. As we left the North Pole on his reindeer-led sled, I couldn’t help but shout, “Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”