2005 will go down in the record books as the year viewers sent Hollywood a message: We are sore-throated horses who refuse to swallow any more celluloid placebos. Don’t you love audiences that bitch and moan over quality only to turn around and support Star Wars, Constantine and The Dukes of Hazzard? While the multiplexes continued to grind out 35mm blow-ups of old television shows, there was plenty to behold at Landmark’s Hillcrest and Ken cinemas. This was a great year for movies! Over 20 pictures qualify as 10-best contenders (quadruple that for the 10 worst.) In all fairness, of the 200-plus films I saw this year, only two found me making an early exit: Be Cool and Fun with Dick and Jane. (I must have been Crazy-Glued to my seat during the Last Days screening.) Get ready to pull your hair out, folks, as you learn what thrilled me and killed me over the past 12 months.

No Direction Home: Bob Dylan: The best film I saw all year never received a theatrical release, but it shall be as He wills. Dear Mr. Jesus, I Pray that Martin Scorsese has a few Sinatra-like comebacks in His future. Earlier this year He announced that The Departed will be His last Hollywood production. I told Him not to have another kid, and those goddamned mook fuck Weinstein Brothers – look what they did to Him! Marty intends to focus on smaller documentary projects and if No Direction Home is any indication, all is well. Scorsese finds in Dylan a savant whose encyclopedic knowledge of musical history rivals the Master’s cinematic savoir-faire. A magnificent exploration that on many levels is more personal than A Personal Journey through American Cinema with Martin Scorsese.

1. Breakfast on Pluto: Cillian Murphy triumphs as Kitten, a young, abandoned and inexorably upbeat Irish cross-dresser who journeys to glam London in search of his past. Director Neil Jordan (The Crying Game) is back in top form with this remarkable visual flight that’s brimming with style, nuance and Kitten’s infectious good cheer that gently brings around all who oppose. Not since American Graffiti or They All Laughed has a film displayed such a commanding use of pre-existing music as a commentary track.

2. The Hand (segment from Eros): When it comes to suppressing emotion and establishing mood through style, no one at work today can top Wong Kar-Wai and his opening salvo to this omnibus film, which is so powerful that it dwarfs everything that follows. Inspired by the SARS epidemic, the director fashioned his segment around “the act of ‘touch.’” Once again, Wong’s scorching, rain-soaked summers are painstakingly brought to life through cinematographer Christopher Doyle’s polished lens.

3. The New World: An arrogant government invades a foreign power in the name of civilization. Not the next Michael Moore project, but a stunning new experimental prophecy from filmmaker Terrence Malick. People who skipped kindergarten and/or Disney’s Pocahontas will bewail the lack of story. Unless you buy into style as subject, steer clear, but for those who embrace visual storytelling (not digitized eye-candy,) nothing of recent vintage comes close to this epic masterwork.

4. A History of Violence: A mainstream thriller from David Cronenberg that shows zero signs of compromise. Like Million Dollar Baby, this film explores, experiments and ultimately succeeds at placing a fresh spin on time-worn genre conventions, most notably the concept that sex and violence are frequently inseparable in the modern world.

5. Gunner Palace: Too often, contemporary vidcam documentaries are shoot-now-figure-it-out-later affairs (see: Born into Brothels). In addition to being a riveting portrait of American soldiers holed up in one of Saddam Hussein’s gutted palaces, this is a solid, technically resplendent piece of filmmaking.

6. Grizzly Man: Obsessive German filmmaker Werner Herzog found a kindred spirit in self-appointed grizzly bear advocate Timothy Treadwell who, along with partner Amie Huguenard, was mauled to death in 2003. Herzog’s presentation of Treadwell’s video diaries, including some off-camera sounds of the murder, is a haunting examination of misapplied obsession.

7. 3 Iron: According to director Kim Ki-duk, “People who play golf know that the 3 iron is frequently stuck in an expensive leathery golf bag but only rarely used. Its image parallels that of an abandoned person or empty house.” Sporting gear, weapon, symbol of isolationism or implement of hope and change? In the case of this spiritual romance, circle all of the above. Part surrealist fairy tale, part modern-day ghost story, the director reveals everything we need to appreciate his story and encourages us to use our imaginations to interpret his vision.

8. It’s All Gone Pete Tong: Delirious, fact-based story of a drug addled, deaf-by-profession DJ who feels the right vibes to continue spinning. No sign-reading co-stars to verbally translate for the viewer or muffled silences that represent a deaf point of view; these children answer to a higher cinematic God. A Rocky-esque climax is ignored in favor of small moments of self-realization sprinkled throughout.

9. Hustle & Flow: Writer/director Craig Brewer’s exhilarating portrait of a dreamer is an unlikely feel-good picture about an inept Memphis pimp/pot-dealer who envisions himself the next hip-hop sensation. Fine ensemble contributions by Taryn Manning and Taraji P. Henson, but the show belongs to Terrence Howard in the performance of the year. This is the only film with John Singleton’s name attached that’s worth owning.

10. Mysterious Skin: Two boys molested by the same high school coach: One grows up to be a male hustler looking for other daddy’s to fuck; the other blocks it out by blaming extra terrestrials. There is no such thing as a bad genre as evidenced in Gregg Araki’s powerful (and darkly amusing) “message picture” done right.

Honorable Mentions: The Aristocrats, The Matador, Head-On, Nobody Knows, Holy Girl, Enron: the Smartest Guys in the Room, Steamboy, Thumbsucker, The Upside of Anger, The Brothers Grimm, Match Point, The Protocols of Zion, Mirrormask, Capote, Junebug, Kung Fu Hustle and Batman Begins.

10. Waiting: This year’s entry in the teen gross-out derby. Scary Movie featured a Polaroid of the world’s smallest penis and Waiting tops it with a close-up of a dingleberry-covered female pubic mound. Even estimable character actor Luis Guzman can’t help elevate this lowest form of cinema. If anything, his participation makes it all the more indefensible.

9. Constantine: The worst effects-driven thrill ride of the year, and that’s saying a lot when you consider that it’s up against War of the Worlds and Star Wars. Keanu Reeves’ appeal continues to boggle the mind; he’s the worst ‘A List’ movie star since Alan Ladd.

8. Last Days: I wrote Gus Van Sant off after his unconscionable “remake” of Psycho and never should have looked back. Pouty-lipped dreamboat Michael Pitt (as Kurt Cobain) poses for Van Sant’s camera and then he dies, but not before rigor mortis overtakes the audience.

7. Fun with Dick and Jane: Insufferable remake in which rubbery Jim Carrey makes funny faces and the screenwriters construct scenes around them.

6. Crash: A clumsy, humorless, lesson-laden, multi-character drama that’s about as subtle as a guy tickling your palm with his middle finger during a handshake. As a director, Paul Haggis makes a feeble screenwriter, cross cutting between stories for no rhyme or reason, employing cheap sentiment whenever the plot mechanics slow down, and, when backed into a corner, devising the simplest forms of coincidence to escape. I predict a boatload of nominations.

5. Wolf Creek (or The Outback Chainsaw Massacre): Three youths lost on a road trip stop for directions in a backwoods bar frequented by toothless, unshaven miscreants. Words are exchanged and it isn’t long before they’re locked in a cabin and undergoing surgical procedures that would tickle Dr. Mengele. The scariest thing about this Aussie cult smash is its lack of originality.

4. Be Cool: There is nothing more painful than an unfunny comedy, and this one had me pining for Whoopi Goldberg circa 1986-88.

3. The Baxter: Another wretched comedy from the small-screen mindset of director Michael Showalter, who could sooner cure cancer than properly stage a gag.

2. Undead: In a year that saw a resurgence in quality horror films (The Devil’s Rejects, Cry Wolf, Land of the Dead), it is no surprise that a few stinkers emerged. Strictly amateur night at the drive-in, this does for zombies what Wolf Creek did for ominous bucolic lowlifes – absolutely nothing.

1. Box, the Takashi Miike segment from Three: Extremes: A pre-pubescent circus performer envies the attention her twin sister gets every night from a ringmaster/rapist, and is forced to live out her life in a small box. And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.

Finally, if you don’t enjoy watching bad movies, how do you know what good movies are? In that spirit, I bestow The Dana, an award for the film that ranked highest on the Unintentional-Laff-O-Meter. The Dana is named after dependable actor (and line-slurring lush) Dana Andrews’ riotous performance as tortured, overly made-up family man Tom Phillips in Hot Rods to Hell. (My kingdom for a DVD pressing!) And the loser is… David Duchovny’s The House of D. Pit an untrained, nasal kid opposite Robin Williams – who, after a lifelong rehearsal, finally gets his shot at a genuine retard – and the result is magic. With a Friar’s Club dye-job and novelty store teeth to underscore the subnormal, Williams delivers yet another smarter-than-us Hollywood simpleton. I am Sam, the Rain Man meets Forrest Gump’s other sister, Gigli. If Hollywood’s depiction of the mentally handicapped was even close to accurate, we’d all take sledgehammers to our heads and bash our way to bliss. Thanks for the non-stop contemptuous laffs, Dave. Now get back on the small screen where you belong!